A 23-Year-Old Sister’s Struggle with Same-Gender Feelings

Assalamu alaikum, everyone. I’m a 23-year-old Muslimah, and I’ve been dealing with feelings for women for as long as I can remember. Even when I was about 6, I felt a special closeness to our neighbor’s daughter-I cried when she moved away and loved holding her hand or just being around her. Looking back, it was probably innocent but romantic in a childlike way. In middle school, the only guy I ever thought was okay had these soft blue eyes and looked like a girl, but once he grew a beard, that faded. Then in high school, I went to an all-girls place and started picking up some English, and that’s when I realized same-gender attraction was a real thing. I had crushes on some friends too. So since I was 13, I’ve known I’m drawn to women. I’m 23 now and honestly don’t know if I can change this or even if I want to. I’ve grown up religious and always avoided mixed spaces or befriending guys, so my only impression of men comes from bad news, media, and stories from sisters around me. It’s made me dislike the idea of being with a man generally. I love my family-Alhamdulillah, they’ve always been supportive and caring, and I have a lovely bond with my dad and brother. No trauma or anything to explain this. I keep thinking my only option is to be patient till I pass away. But scholars say that in Jannah, people like me who stay on the straight path won’t get what they desire-they’ll just be made ‘normal.’ That hurts so much. It’s like even my ultimate reward is blocked. These thoughts circle in my head constantly. Sometimes I feel like this world is my only chance to feel what my heart yearns for before I grow old. Maybe I could repent later, but then I worry about my pride or looking down on others. I catch myself feeling bitter when I see straight sisters casually doing things that are normalized but still sinful-it’s not that I want to think badly, it’s just my honest struggle. If I were a brother longing for a wife he couldn’t have, it’d be easier: I’d just think, ‘Endure now, and in Jannah you’ll be granted that.’ But being told my deep desire won’t be fulfilled even in Paradise, that it’ll just be switched to something I can’t relate to now… it makes staying motivated so tough. Astaghfirullah for putting it this way, I don’t mean any disrespect-may Allah forgive my poor expression. I ask myself, will I ever experience intimacy with someone I love? Every day feels like another missed chance, and I’m getting older. I even think I missed out on making youthful mistakes, which sounds bad, I know. Astaghfirullah, sometimes I’ve wished I just rebelled back then so I wouldn’t feel so stuck now with so much to lose. I have genuine faith, Alhamdulillah, but these desires are so strong. The idea of being changed into liking something I currently don’t want feels hopeless, and it just makes me desperate. Please, I’d really appreciate any support or advice, dear brothers and sisters. This is such a hard test. May Allah keep our hearts firm on the right path. (I’m sorry for any grammar issues or unclear parts-English isn’t my first language, and I wrote this quickly.)