I want to return, but I'm held back by fear

Assalamu alaikum, dear brothers and sisters. I’m writing this feeling half-asleep, under a ton of pressure. I’ve got no clue what to do and just feel helpless. I’m a sister from Russia, grew up in a messy home where religion was barely more than a crutch for people. Even with all that, as a kid I truly loved Islam, trusted Allah through everything, despite the chaos at home-my mom’s mental struggles and my dad’s coldness. When I hit teenage years, at first I kept up with my duties fairly well, but then problems at home got worse, and my mind started cracking. By 12, I felt this weird resentment toward Islam, mostly from my shaken mental state, not anything real in the faith. Back then, I was slacking on salah and barely making dua. Around 14, something shifted. I woke up and dove into learning the deen, praying, making up missed prayers, trying hard to fix mistakes. I saw Salafi Islam as the truth, not a watered-down version. Religion became my escape, and I hoped I’d never leave it. But then obsessive thoughts hit hard-I couldn’t manage my time to pray properly, doubted every move I made, cried for days, couldn’t eat or sleep right. I gave myself small exceptions where I could, but I knew I had to be stricter to reach the truth. I dropped my social life, barely schooled, even tore up my passport. I grew resentful toward non-Muslims, made takfir on many friends and family. I banned myself from books and movies, clung to the strictest rules on Quran recitation, salah, hijab, and wudu-rules I messed up following, which stressed me even more. I tried to end my life once, hit myself daily. Then, last summer, I just… stopped praying gradually because it became too heavy. I hated myself for it, but couldn’t change it. Doubts crept in, silly ones, more obsessive than deep. I started believing naive atheist arguments because I was worn out and easy to sway. By last September, I walked away from Islam, thinking it blocked education, basic women’s rights, and creative growth. It gave me short-term relief, but days later I had an epileptic seizure at school, ended up in the hospital. They found a brain AVM, then came tons of appointments and tests. School was wild with exams-I had the same discipline problems, so I couldn’t study or rest well. I got stuck in dopamine loops and constant worry. Somewhere quietly I knew Islam might be true, but I was too scared to go back, so I ran from Allah into worldly distractions. I know I’m explaining this all jumbled, my thoughts are just scattered right now. So here I am in the hospital, neurosurgery ward, facing a two-step AVM removal surgery tomorrow. I feel ugly in this outfit, my mind’s a mess, heart’s racing. I flunked my math exam, now I’ll have to homeschool. Feels like I’ve messed up everything, still far from Islam, all out of fear of losing something ‘mine’-over this past year I’ve just gotten unused to keeping Allah in my thoughts. I’m terrified something will go wrong tomorrow, that I’m not mentally ready for surgery, scared Allah might punish me with a stroke, that I’ll struggle to see or think normally. I’d love to take my shahada again and pray right now, but I feel too lost. I haven’t studied deeply-just enough to feel sure of the truth, not enough to embrace it fully. Please help me. If you’ve got questions, ask away. I know this text is messy, but my thoughts are just as tangled. All my worries have blended into one, and I don’t know what to do 😔