Finding Strength Through Faith in Difficult Times

As-salamu alaykum, everyone. I’m just trying to put my thoughts out here because I really need support. I feel completely drained, and while I don’t want anything harmful to happen to me, the weight of feeling like a burden and facing constant emotional pain is overwhelming. I sometimes worry that those I care about might eventually be better off without me, even though it’s a painful thought. Growing up, my biological father, upon learning my mother was expecting a daughter, reacted with terrible violence, even attempting to harm her during pregnancy. My mother endured so much, eventually fleeing and making huge sacrifices so I could have a better life by sending me to live with my grandmother abroad. At my grandmother's, when I was very young, an older relative acted inappropriately toward me, and when I spoke up, I was silenced. My mother later cut ties with that part of the family. Back home with my mother and a man she was with, life seemed okay at first, but he became abusive. In school, I faced bullying for being different, with one parent even insulting me publicly. I kept that to myself. The bullying left deep scars. I was a gentle, imaginative child who found comfort in stories and nature. When I was around 6 or 7, during my mother’s absence, the man tried to attack my aunt in front of me and became violent toward me, leaving me terrified. My aunt and I hid until morning. Although he apologized and she forgave him, the trauma remained. I later discovered more disturbing behavior within that family circle. When I finally told my mother, she didn’t believe me at first, leading to conflicts, though she eventually left him. The bullying persisted for years with small, cruel acts that wear a person down. My mother remarried, Alhamdulillah, and I have a beloved younger sister whom I adore. Still, I often feel like a burden, a reminder of past hardships. Despite everything, I find peace in reading and films. A particular animated movie about adventure and family kept my hopes alive for a loving, safe home. Most importantly, I hold on because I know Allah's mercy is vast, and I believe ending one’s life is not forgiven. Sometimes, I feel so ashamed of my own mistakes that it’s hard to pray, and I wrongly think Allah might be displeased with me. My mother, a devoted Muslim who prays and reads Quran daily, has been a spiritual support, but I’ve also sought Islam on my own, and it has truly saved me. It’s the only thing that touches my heart and brings me real comfort and smiles.