Feeling overwhelmed after my reversion journey
Assalamu alaikum everyone, I need to be completely honest here. I know seeking spiritual advice online isn’t ideal, and I apologize if this sounds like another revert's crisis of faith. I’m an American woman from a fiercely atheist family. For years, I’ve believed in one God-something that made me the odd one out. That belief in Allah is unwavering and will never change. I used to think I’d avoid organized religion entirely, focusing only on my personal connection with God. Converting seemed too big a step. But if I ever did choose a faith, it was always going to be Islam. Growing up in a Christian-majority country with secular Jewish roots, neither of those paths ever resonated with me. I don’t believe Jesus is God. Logically, I believe Allah revealed His message to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). The fact that he was unlettered yet conveyed teachings so aligned with earlier Abrahamic faiths convinces me it was divine. This past year, my health deteriorated badly, and I committed some major sins I deeply regret. A few weeks ago, I contracted mono on top of my chronic issues and genuinely feared for my life. I made a vow: if Allah would grant me better health, I’d dedicate my life to Him. Bedridden and scrolling through videos, I came across several about Islam that reignited my interest. Taking it as a sign, I secretly started praying Salah five times a day. Saying the Shahadah sincerely to myself, I began reading the Quran. In that sense, I’ve reverted. Praying brings me immense peace and closeness to Allah. But reading the Quran? That’s different. I worry about perceived contradictions and feel anxious reading about the fate of non-believers-especially since my family are all atheists. The thought of studying Hadith and discerning truth feels daunting. While many religious rules don’t bother me, following some in my environment would be extremely difficult. I can’t stop reflecting on verses about hypocrites (Munafiqun). It pains me to admit, but I see myself in that description. Islam demands complete belief, and I can’t honestly say I’m certain about everything in the Quran. That uncertainty matters. Maybe I reverted too soon, without full conviction. So my question is: Should I step back now? Am I disrespecting Allah by trying to follow a faith I’m not fully sure about and might struggle to practice completely? I don’t want to stop praying-it comforts me and strengthens my bond with Allah. But I also refuse to be a hypocrite, pretending total faith while harboring doubts that may never fully resolve, as I’m someone who questions everything constantly. I know I should seek answers from Allah first, and I’ve been praying for clarity for days. My heart is open to His guidance. But hearing from others who might relate could help too. This is a life-changing decision, and I feel overwhelmed, anxious, and confused. Jazakum Allahu khayran to anyone who read this. May Allah guide us all.