Feeling My Iman Slip Away

السلام عليكم I haven’t shared this with anyone-not family, not friends, whether they know about Islam or not. But I genuinely feel this. I look back at last Ramadan and it felt miraculous. For years, I was in a dark place, really struggling, and my relationship with the deen was messy. I always believed it was true, but when it gets forced on you or you’re pressured until worship feels more about escaping people’s anger than pleasing Allah… it takes a toll. Then last Ramadan, I finally felt like I was doing it just for Allah. Fasting, praying, diving into Islamic knowledge-I had this light in my eyes. After so much family pain, it felt real. But ever since winter, everything’s been falling apart. My mom had a stroke, my family is breaking again, and home feels like hell once more. I can’t believe it, but I’ve slipped back into sins I hadn’t touched in years. I feel fake, like I’m wearing someone else’s skin. Sometimes I wonder what’s real. I even question if all religions say the same thing-that they’re the truth and you’re doomed if you deny it-then what’s the point? Maybe Shaytan is whispering, but I wonder if it’s just something made up to control people… though that doesn’t explain creation or qadar. I tried forcing it-getting up to pray, lowering my gaze, wearing niqab with sincerity, reading Quran. It just made me cry, remembering the ayah about hardened hearts. I’m not sleeping, up all night, and I don’t know what to do. School’s been hard with family and mental health stuff, and I hoped my final year would be better. It was going well, but I’m falling into old patterns: missing work, forcing smiles, distancing myself. I’m scared of myself now. During suhoor last night, I was shaking while getting food because people were asking where things were, and my mom was breathing heavily beside me. I just wanted it all to stop. I felt so angry, tired, and sad. I wish this wasn’t my reality, and I feel sick over what’s happening in the world. Anyone else would handle my life better, and my struggles don’t compare to those in war zones or under oppression. I feel like I’ve failed. Everywhere I hear that Muslims aren’t average, that we don’t do certain things, that not doing this makes you a kafir. So why keep trying? I believe, but my worship is fading, and I’m told I’m a kafir who’ll go to Jahannam. Is that my worth? I’ve written poems wishing I didn’t have to meet these high expectations, wishing I could just be dust and return to clay. I don’t know who to turn to. I hear that Allah hates those like me, and I still cry to Him every night because there’s nowhere else to go. I’m struggling to move and stay alive while everyone else is ahead. I feel like I’m wasting my youth. Don’t even get me started on teen struggles and hormones. It’s like my life is crumbling and I’m waiting for a savior who won’t come. This is mostly a vent, but if you’re struggling, you’re not alone. If you’ve been through similar, I’d love to know what helped you. Any advice is welcome, جَزَاكُمُ اللهُ خَيْرًا