Feeling Completely Adrift in My Faith

Salam, I don't consider myself anywhere close to being the Muslim I should be. I've always been someone who feels things deeply and cares a lot about others, even though I slip up plenty. The past few years, honestly, they were amazing in some ways, but I spent so much of that time feeling upset and low. As life has gotten tougher, I've found myself missing those older days, hard as they were, because everything feels so much heavier now. I never really turned to Allah through it all. It's gotten to the point where my hardest period ever, which was a few months back, feels completely overshadowed by what I'm dealing with now. I tend to see the worst in things. My biggest fears are letting my parents down and losing the people I love. I kept meaning to draw closer to Allah, but I just... didn't. A few months ago, I made a special dua out of the blue, asking for a change in myself. Then, suddenly, it feels like everything in my life started crumbling. I won't go into details, but I've realized my worst fears are very likely going to come true. I'm in a state where I feel like nothing can even change this; I just have to accept this constant, overwhelming pain. I find myself constantly thinking about ending my life. My parents and siblings have no idea about most of my struggles-they're so caring, and I feel like I've unintentionally thrown that love back in their faces. To me, it seems like salah would only change how I see things, not the actual situation. I'm always crying, asking 'Ya Allah, why?' I feel stuck-okay for a bit, then utterly crushed. Not a single person in my family would understand what I'm going through. I just need some advice, some guidance, some sign of Allah's greatness and mercy. Anything to hold onto.