Feeling Lost in Ramadan and Looking for Guidance
Assalamu alaikum everyone. The title pretty much says it all-I'm a uni student dealing with depression, anxiety, and a lot of frustration. I've been trying my best this Ramadan, but I keep getting reminded to 'just focus on my studies' and that life is long, even though deep down I know it's short. I want to attend Taraweeh prayers, but it's not safe for me to go, and I feel too ashamed to join my sisters who wear hijab because I end up feeling jealous. I want to read more Quran, but I get so scared of stuttering or missing things that I barely try-it's like Day 8 and I'm still stuck on Juz 1. Honestly, even my Salah is a struggle. I've pushed myself to fast, but that's become really tough too. Nothing about this month is bringing me joy anymore, and I feel like my duas will never be answered. I know my purpose is to worship Allah SWT, but that thought alone doesn't ease my pain. I'll admit, I sometimes feel like an empty shell filled with jealousy. I hate to say it, but I resent other Muslim girls because it feels like they're always chosen over me, with easier lives, supportive communities, and blessed marriages, while I'm told to 'focus on studies,' 'make money,' and 'forget about marriage.' Meanwhile, I'm taking pills to fix what feels like every flaw I have. I'm exhausted and uncomfortable this Ramadan, and I wish I had a better naseeb like others seem to. I'm tired of hearing about people's married lives and seeing their dhikr counters, and tired of seeing others wear hijab while doing things that don't align with modesty, while I'm begging my own family to let me be modest and getting told things like 'Hijabis are wrong' and 'Just study.' I recently saw a sister with a male friend, and she gets proposals while I feel like I'm begging for someone to choose me. I've stayed righteous-I've avoided haram relationships, I'm quiet and obedient-so what's wrong with me? I can't handle it anymore. Is my degree and studies all I'm worth as a woman? I need help making a plan. If my naseeb isn't clear, at least I can ask for advice on making the most of this Ramadan. I'm tired of all the medications my family insists on, tired of feeling sick during suhoor, and tired of being ashamed to eat iftar. I hate dealing with a health issue that I think makes my family avoid finding a spouse for me. They've accused me of wrong things since I was young, and I'm just worn out. I'm so afraid of Muslim brothers that I once apologized to one in a student group just for asking a question, and I avoid Muslim sisters too. Despite all this, I really want to change and improve this Ramadan. Any tips would be appreciated, and it's okay if you don't like me after reading this. Sometimes I feel like a better naseeb would have saved me, and I don't understand why Allah SWT is testing me like this.