I want to feel close to Allah again
As-salamu alaykum. I’m lying on my bed right now without my anxiety meds. Lately I’ve been dealing with shortness of breath, panic attacks, and autoimmune problems brought on by extreme stress and anxiety. (Please don’t suggest therapy - this feels like a deeper struggle for me.) I never formally left Islam - I still pray sometimes and keep fasts. I don’t drink or commit major sins, not out of fear but because those things don’t sit well with my soul. Still, for the past few years I haven’t felt Allah’s presence. At first I shrugged off intrusive thoughts and OCD, but they kept getting louder. I even looked for comfort in other spiritual ideas, thinking new-age stuff might help, but that only made me feel more lost. My mental health is at its lowest point. I’m anxious, scared, and depressed to the degree that I hardly leave the house except for work. When I believed with certainty, I felt peace. I used to cry to Allah and trust that things would turn out - and somehow they did. I slept easy and saw small blessings all around. I’ve been trying to return to that faith for years, but it’s not happening. I don’t even fear the afterlife the way I used to, because living now feels like a kind of hell. I just can’t understand why I can’t feel Allah close to me anymore. I keep wondering if He’s displeased with me. Please make dua for me. I’m trying to hold on and find my way back to peace in my heart.