First Ramadan: Navigating the Newness
As-salamu alaykum! I embraced Islam in November, and this is my very first Ramadan. Alhamdulillah, I have a wonderful circle of supportive friends who’ve been teaching me so much, and we spent weeks preparing for this blessed month. While I was excited, there was also a blanket of fear-worry that I wouldn’t do well enough or experience the spiritual depth everyone describes. Just before Ramadan began, I started giving sadaqah, and that really lifted my spirits, Alhamdulillah. The first two days went well. Fasting was easier than I expected, and I spent time watching Islamic lectures and getting more involved in community activities. But then, the third day arrived. Even though I slept at a good time, I overslept and woke up with a severe headache. After waiting a while, I had to break my fast. I ate and drank properly, and by the fourth day, I managed a successful fast again. On the fifth day, I woke up for suhoor but then fell back asleep and woke up much later. After being up for a few hours, I had to break the fast early again-the headache was unbearable, making me sensitive to light and sound. Today, on day six, the headache is more manageable, but since that second day, fasting has brought overwhelming anxiety. I had stopped a nervous habit before Ramadan, but now it’s returned full force. It’s hard to focus at work, and my main fear is that I’m not feeling that deeper connection with Allah (SWT) that others talk about; I feel more distant instead. I am autistic and have an iron deficiency, and I haven’t yet spoken to a doctor about how these might affect my fast. I’ve been very careful with my diet-planning balanced meals with rice, protein, vegetables, and healthy snacks-and I stay hydrated with electrolytes. But no matter what, this anxiety won’t leave, and it’s all I can feel. The thought of not fasting makes me feel bad, yet I also long to experience that spiritual closeness this month is meant for. I am so grateful to have found Islam, but I worry I’m not strong enough for this, and that thought saddens me deeply. I would truly appreciate any advice or to hear from others who’ve faced similar struggles. Also, with autism, having a routine is essential. Over the past year, I established a fitness routine that greatly helped my mental health, but Ramadan has disrupted that. I’m also unable to take my regular medications while fasting. I believe all of this is definitely contributing to the anxiety. May Allah make it easy for all of us.