Struggling with Faith After Losing Loved Ones

Assalamu alaikum everyone. I’m having a really tough time holding onto my iman. I’m a 25-year-old sister, and these last couple of years have been incredibly hard. I lost one of my closest childhood friends after many years-she just couldn’t handle my constant sadness and complaining anymore. I also moved away from my family for the first time right after college for a job, and that job was draining every bit of energy from me. On top of that, my grandparents and aunt were all passing away. I actually got a chance to transfer closer to home right before my first grandmother died, but as soon as I moved back, she passed away. I tried to stay strong and keep being a good worker, but then my aunt died, and just a month later, my other grandmother passed too. All this pain pushed me back into old, unhealthy habits-I started smoking weed and sometimes drinking. I know that’s haram, and the guilt has been eating me up, even though I was just trying to escape. Losing my second grandmother really broke me because my dad was traveling to visit her in another country, and when his plane landed, he found out she was already gone. My heart has been shattered this whole year. I keep asking, why? Why my grandmother? Why my dad? Who deserves this kind of pain? I just want to be clear-I was born Muslim and grew up going to Quran classes. But being raised in the West, I ended up living a kind of double life. Now I know what I should do: strengthen my deen, pray, and study, because that would help me find peace with all this. But I just can’t make myself do it. I’ve struggled mentally for a long time with anxiety and ADHD, which is why I turned to weed in the first place. Now everything feels so heavy. I feel like I’m not worthy of any forgiveness. I’ve messed up for 25 years, and maybe this is Allah telling me to just give up, that I’m beyond being forgiven. I just feel like everything is awful.