Assalamu alaykum - I'm so tired and worried if Allah is pleased with me
Assalamu alaykum brothers and sisters... I'm writing this in the middle of the night feeling really unsure and unsafe, wallahi. I've been wandering in my head for months and I don't know what's happening to me. My mind is exhausted and I've been in a fog-like ADHD brain fog-for about three months, and recovery feels very slow. I'm writing from a foggy brain, literally struggling to access memories, feeling like I'm speaking out of nothing. Emotionally I'm flat and numb. Even making Dua feels hard, not because of waswasa but because something blocks me and there's this immediate shutdown. Praying is getting harder and harder, wallahi. I don't even know how I'm supposed to make up missed prayers. My executive functioning is so bad - I can't sit through prayer without fidgeting or having my body go into freezes or shrinking moments. I feel paralyzed and it uses up my breath; I start breathing fast and my head feels burned out so I can't focus. Sometimes my body just collapses and I end up praying on my bed because I can’t lift myself. I've missed so many prayers not because of shaytan but because of overstimulation - I completely forget everything and hyperfocus on my phone or my own thoughts, and my awareness shuts down. That inner voice that used to push me to get up and pray has gone foggy. Everything in my spiritual journey feels messy. I hate that I can't worship Allah the way I used to. Even dhikr takes so much energy now; saying simple phrases feels heavy, wallahi. It's not shaytan - I really want to do dhikr and I try to stay mindful but my impulsivity carries me away. I keep looking for signs of Allah's mercy - videos, reminders, anything to comfort me - and then I get scared when I hear that I should repent. I replay everything in my head: what did I do, am I burdened by sin, is Allah displeased with me? I don't want more stress; I just want comfort. I'm lost, wallahi. If anyone has gone through something like this or has gentle advice, duas, or reminders that helped you get through a foggy patch, please share. Jazakum Allahu khairan.