Struggling to Keep Faith While Asking for a Miracle

Assalamu alaikum, everyone. I just need to get this off my chest because I don’t really have anyone to talk to. This past year has been the hardest of my life, honestly. Last summer, I got my final exam results and, alhamdulillah, I did so well-I came first in my school and third in my town. But instead of feeling happy, I spent the day crying because my mom wasn’t pleased with my marks. Then she pushed me to go to the graduation event even though I already felt terrible. It should’ve been a joyful moment, but I ended up feeling invisible and like the most unattractive person there. I left early, crying on the way home. During the group picture, a guy literally waved me away. It was so humiliating; I don’t even want to think about it. I wonder why I worked so hard all year just to feel so low on what was meant to be my special day. Right after that, I got really sick. My vitamin D was dangerously low-only 3. I could barely eat or walk for most of the summer. I had panic attacks and many late-night trips to the hospital. That’s actually when I started praying for the first time, and alhamdulillah, Allah healed me, even though I was probably praying wrong back then lol 💜 Then school began, and things got even worse. I’ve never felt so ugly, rejected, and worthless. I tried to act normal, smiling and chatting, but it felt hollow. I had one longtime friend, but they kept disrespecting and embarrassing me, so I had to distance myself. After that, I’d hide in the school bathrooms during lunch because I had no one to sit with. I know it sounds sad, but that’s how alone I was. Family life was also a mess-constant fighting and stress. Our home never felt peaceful; it’s always cluttered and tense. I dread going home; the only things that distract me are my phone or sleeping. People in class would make remarks about my looks, leave me out of things, and because I’m quiet and focused on my studies, I always felt like the outsider. Each little thing might not seem like much, but after months of it, my self-esteem is shattered. Around that time, I noticed a young man at my weekly physics tutoring. We haven’t really talked-just sit next to each other for two hours and then leave-but I can’t get him out of my head. Even though tutoring stopped for summer, I keep thinking about him; I’ve dreamed of him like six times and even edited photos to remember his face. I still have tutoring with him next year. He’s so handsome and has a calm, quiet presence. But deep down, I feel like someone like him would never be interested in someone as unattractive as me. By mid-year, I was truly depressed. I avoided mirrors because I hated my reflection. I got so desperate I started listening to subliminal audios, hoping they would change my appearance. Alhamdulillah 💜 I started praying consistently again on July 1st. Now I pray all five daily prayers, do my adhkar, and I’m trying to leave sins like talking back to my mom and constantly listening to music to escape. But lately, I’m losing hope. I don’t know if it’s okay to keep asking Allah for something as shallow as beauty. I feel embarrassed making that du’a. So many people are suffering through war, hunger, and terrible illnesses, and here I am begging to be beautiful. It makes me feel foolish, like a child asking for a fantasy. I feel awful about it. Yet, I can’t pretend it doesn’t matter. This hurts me so much, especially after all the pain this year. I just want to look in the mirror and finally feel beautiful. I don’t have bad intentions-I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and be able to express myself. I don’t want another school year hiding from mirrors, avoiding people, feeling ashamed, and crying almost every day. I know beauty isn’t everything, but after everything I’ve faced, my heart aches for it. I feel so ugly I don’t know what to do. I’m scared I’ll fall back into depression and lose hope if things don’t change this summer. I’m begging Allah to answer my du’a, even though it seems impossible-how could my appearance suddenly change? But I know nothing is impossible for Him; He is capable of everything 💜