Struggling to Return to Islam After Exploring Esoteric Practices

Assalamu alaikum, dear brothers and sisters. I hope you're all in good health and high iman. I'm writing this because I really need some advice from anyone who might have gone through something like this. I'll be completely honest, and I'm not here to offend anyone or question Islam at all. I'm just lost and looking for answers. If you're only going to judge or be harsh, please just ignore this. I embraced Islam in 2022 after a long search through different faiths. I stumbled upon Islam in September and took my shahada that November. Initially, I fell head over heels for Islam. I had some personal issues that made praying consistently a struggle, but I always tried my best. Over time, though, I drifted. I stopped praying regularly, even though I kept studying Islam because its beauty captivated me. I wasn't going to the mosque anymore, but my love for Islam never faded. I can't recall exactly if I left Islam for other ideas at that point, but I do know I got really committed again in 2025, despite not returning to the mosque. Deep down, I always felt Islam was the truth. Every time I got curious about other beliefs, I found myself back to Islam. By the end of last year, some hardships hit me hard, and I drifted once more. I tried to bounce back, but this time I couldn't. Since around April, I've felt stuck outside. For the past few months, I've been deep into tarot, witchcraft, and all sorts of esoteric stuff. After all those experiences, I don't know how to just come back as if nothing happened. How come all these things felt so convincing? The different takes on the universe, spirituality, occult... they all seemed to click. The oracles fascinated me. I felt a freedom I never knew, like I discovered a hidden part of myself. When I was practicing Islam, I tried to hold on to the Sunnah as much as I could. I didn't wear hijab yet, but I dreamed of wearing niqab one day. I spent hours learning and making Islamic content in Portuguese because there's so little out there for Portuguese-speaking Muslims, especially revert brothers and sisters from Brazil. I was truly proud to be Muslim. But after finding what I thought were answers through witchcraft and oracles, it's been so hard to let go. I was told about past lives-now I wonder if they were even real-but back then they seemed to explain so much about my struggles and personality. I've come across so many ideas that I don't know how to just return to Allah and pretend none of it affected me. Today, after all these months, I suddenly felt like listening to Qur'an recitation. As I listened, a heavy feeling settled in my chest-not a physical pain, but a deep sadness, like I was running from something I shouldn't, or denying something inside me. It's hard to describe. If I'm being honest, though, I no longer feel like I'd be free if I fully returned to practicing Islam. And that thought breaks my heart. One thing I struggle with is some rulings. Like, I love music. To me, it's almost magical. Why would it be considered not okay? And art is such a beautiful expression; why would drawing living beings be discouraged? These might seem like small things, but together they make me feel like I'd have to give up parts of who I am. I don't know if that makes sense. After listening to the Qur'an today, I looked at my Islamic books. It felt like my whole journey flashed before me, and I just thought: "What am I doing?" I started crying as I picked them up. If anyone has been through something similar or has any advice, I'd truly love to hear from you. Jazakallah khair for reading this. May Allah bless you for your kindness. 🤍