Struggling to reconcile Islamic rulings with my heart’s desires

Salam everyone. I’ve been sitting with this inner conflict for a while and just need to get it off my chest. I grew up in a very traditional household, and as a kid my connection to Islam was mostly about fear-do this, don’t do that, or else. Later on I drifted, even called myself agnostic, until I read the Quran just before the pandemic and slowly began to find my way back. There was a time after that when I jumped in way too deep, too fast. I started following strict speakers, dressed more conservatively, even wore niqab. I thought I’d found the one truth and wanted to escape the world, get married, and just focus on home and worship. But that wasn’t healthy-I was trying to shut out the dunya completely, which isn’t sustainable. I craved a tight-knit community, almost like an Amish bubble, but what I found were the same human problems: cliques, nitpicking, takfir. It burned me out. Now? I’m just a Muslim. I believe in Allah and want to live a fulfilling life, not hide from the world. My Islam is mostly personal, between me and Allah. I go to the mosque for talks but I don’t cling to labels-not Salafi, not strictly following one madhab, not really into the Athari/Ash’ari divide. I see Sunni and Shia as fellow Muslims, though I lean Sunni. But after that extreme phase, I’ve had to pull back and haven’t figured out how to re-engage with the parts that still unsettle me. The thing is, I truly believe in the Islamic aqeedah. I reject the Trinity, I can’t accept Jesus as God’s begotten son, and the Old Testament’s harsh portrayal of God doesn’t sit right with me, so Judaism and Christianity as a whole don’t fit. The Islamic view of Allah, the prophets, the angels-that all makes sense to my heart. But when it comes to the social rulings, especially around women, marriage, and family, I hit a wall. The go-to “problematic” topics in today’s world: wali, not meeting a potential spouse organically or having a platonic relationship beforehand, strict gender roles, mahram rules, polygamy, divorce laws-these are hard for me to swallow. After growing up in the West and doing my own soul-searching, I find myself leaning toward a more secular view of those things, or even a Christian-inspired one, even though I know that’s not our way. I feel called to be a wife and mother; it’s a deep part of who I am. But with my faith in the unseen, my traditional upbringing, and the path I’ve carved for myself, I feel stuck between choices: force myself to live by rules I struggle with and feel constant guilt, or live how I wish but bear the weight of knowing I’m not following what I believe is Allah’s law, or just give up on my dream of marriage and family altogether-but then how do I handle the natural desire for companionship? Maybe there’s another way: digging deeper into Islam to find an understanding that bridges my faith and my heart, and maybe find a spouse who sees things similarly. I don’t know. I just pray for clarity. Has anyone else been through this? How did you hold onto your deen while being honest about what your soul truly needs?