Need some advice, sisters…
As-salamu alaykum. I grew up in a really unhealthy home where my mum and I are way too enmeshed and the whole family dynamic is messed up. My brother has always been treated like the golden child just because he’s a man - classic sexist stuff. Both my parents are emotionally unavailable and narcissistic, and they pit us siblings against each other depending on who’s mum’s favourite that week. So that’s where I’m coming from. My brother (25) really wants to get married, and I don’t mind wanting marriage, but his motivation seems mostly sexual. He’s spoken to and met so many women - dinners, hangouts, a few short relationships - all supposedly for the sake of marriage. And my mum acts like it’s fine because his intention was marriage, whereas if I had done anything similar I’d be crucified. I’ll be honest: I don’t like him. He’s completely emotionally dependent on my mum and lets her decide everything for him - even small things like buying shoes. He ignores anyone in the house who doesn’t give him what he wants. We can be in the same room and he won’t speak to us. He’s emotionally immature and unavailable, gives curt replies, or flat-out ignores me. I’ve tried to bond, but it’s impossible when someone can’t show basic empathy or recognise when something’s wrong. Mum even says she feels sorry for him. He’s rude in everyday ways too - barging past without saying excuse me, expecting my mum to serve him meals every day, breakfast ready when he gets up. When I question it, she shrugs that he works - as if that makes it okay that she does more for him than for me. Anyway, he’s found a woman and they’ve been seeing each other for months. Mum disapproved because she wanted a “traditional” woman who’ll cook and clean and be the kind of daughter-in-law she prefers. The girl is from a different culture and doesn’t wear hijab, so mum judged her before even meeting her. Mum kept saying the woman is at fault and acting like my brother was innocent - even though he’d been meeting her too. I blew up because mum kept insisting this double standard, saying a woman bears more blame for haram because a man wouldn’t do it if she hadn’t allowed him - which is just sexist and not how Islam teaches accountability. The families are meeting this weekend and his fiancée is coming over. I honestly feel sorry for her. I don’t know how to behave. I’ve lived under mum’s emotional control and judgement; it ruined my life to the point I had to move away. Already she’s telling me she’ll raise the baby according to our culture and implying the fiancée would be a lazy mother who won’t feed the child properly. I had a massive argument with her today. Mum’s making mean comments to my brother too, and he calls her from work to complain about plans and the nikah, and mum’s like, “I’ll sort this out,” which is so ironic given how controlling she is. Sisters, I just needed to vent and get some perspective. I feel like I’m losing my mind being around this family. I’m not good at hiding my feelings so my poker face is terrible, and I worry for any woman who marries my brother - he can be charming to her but cruel to us when he doesn’t get his way. Has anyone been through something similar? How do I act when his fiancée visits? How do I protect myself from my mum’s behaviour while not making things worse for the bride-to-be? Jazakum Allah khair for any advice.