Loving Someone Who Left Islam – How Do You Deal With the Pain?

Assalamualaikum. I know our faith asks us to hold it above everything, but honestly, I'm struggling so much with this lately. It's not that my iman is gone-it’s just I'm terrified there'll be a moment I stop wanting to believe. My mother isn't Muslim. She was before, but she left the deen. I keep looking into it, and every day I make dua for her hidayah, but then I read that Allah guides only whom He wills, and my heart just drops thinking about her. Losing her is my biggest fear. Astaghfirullah for even saying this, but I can't understand how I could worship Allah if I feel like He’s punishing her for not believing. My mother is the softest, most caring soul I've ever known. She doesn't deserve forever in Jahannam.