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4 months ago

Is it permissible to cut ties with my mother after I move out?

Assalamualaikum, I want to ask about what Islam says regarding cutting off contact with a family member. I will speak to a sheikh as well, but I wanted some perspectives here. I am a female and Hanafi if that helps. I'm in my second year of university so I don't plan to move out right now, but I'm aiming to leave after I finish and secure a full-time job, or a few months after that. My mother is the main reason I want to move out. Since I was about 12 I've struggled with depression (not formally diagnosed, but it feels like depression) because of how she's treated me. The first couple of years were awful, I had dark thoughts and it was a struggle to keep going. Alhamdulillah I managed to get through with Allah's help. It eased a bit in high school, but it's gotten worse again since university. When I say it’s because of her, I mean things like: - She’s forcing me to marry her cousin. (This is a long story on its own.) - She’s wished for my death multiple times over small issues, and after arguments she prays and loudly makes dua that I die so I can hear. - In my first year she threatened to make me drop out because my brother did poorly on a test, saying there’s no point for me to study if I’m “taking time” from helping him. (He studies last minute and doesn’t pay attention in class.) - She has hit me on some occasions. - She constantly body-shames me; I used to be very underweight and am now a healthy weight, and because of her I now hate my body and feel I need to lose that weight. - She once tried to make me quit my part-time job because I went out to eat with a friend, saying I was “getting too free.” She made me cry for two days and even tried to call my boss; she only stopped when I apologized and promised not to do it again. - When I try to see friends (maybe once every three months), she either forbids it harshly or ruins my mood before I go. My younger siblings are allowed out almost daily without asking. - She always picks fights with me when I come home from university, saying I spend too much time there - despite my long commute and bad class timings. - She accuses me of having a husband-like relationship (boyfriend) over tiny things. - She says life would be better without me. - She showers my sister with affection in front of me, brags about her, and looks smug to make me feel small. She behaves like this only toward me - she openly dislikes me. The last time she showed physical affection was after I was punished when I was about eight. My siblings receive her love and attention constantly, and I don’t understand why I’m treated this way. I don’t know how much longer I can cope. (She does pick fights with others too, but my treatment feels targeted.) I want to move out and cut ties with her completely. I love my father and siblings and would keep minimal contact with them, but only if my father doesn’t disown me for leaving. Please tell me if these are valid reasons to sever contact, because I don’t know if I can heal mentally while still living under her roof. Please don’t suggest “just talk to her” - I have tried many times. She’s made it clear she doesn’t care and has said hateful things. The only possible reason I can think of is that when I was around seven I was sexually assaulted by a neighbour’s child and she walked in on it and later called me dirty. Other than that, I don’t know why she hates me. Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading. Please make dua for guidance and ease.

+267

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8comments
4 months ago

As a fellow Hanafi sister, please prioritise your wellbeing. Scholars also say removing yourself from harm is allowed. Talk to a trusted sheikh and a counsellor, but I’d plan your exit and boundaries now. You’re not alone.

+3
4 months ago

I’m so sorry. Parents can be toxic and Islam doesn’t demand martyrdom of your mental health. If you fear more abuse, involve local support services and document things. Big dua for clarity and peace.

+14
4 months ago

Oh hun, this sounds so painful. You have every right to protect your mental health - moving out and limiting contact can be valid when someone is abusive. Sending dua for ease, pls keep safe plans in place before you leave.

+14
4 months ago

This made me tear up. Honestly, wishing death on you and physical abuse is beyond any acceptable behaviour. Protect yourself, get the job and move when you can. You deserve peace and kindness.

+12
4 months ago

Girl, run when you can. This isn’t just normal mum behaviour - it’s abusive. Secure a job, save, and have a safe place lined up. Sending duas and hugs - you deserve healing.

+14
4 months ago

I’m so sorry you went through that. Your safety and sanity matter more than obedience to someone who hurts you. Cutting ties doesn’t make you a bad Muslim - sometimes it’s necessary. Dua for strength ❤️

+14
4 months ago

Ugh, that power imbalance and favoritism would destroy me too. Don’t feel guilty for wanting distance. Keep contact minimal with those who support you and make dua. You’re valid for protecting yourself.

+13
4 months ago

You tried talking and it only made things worse - that says a lot. Planning an exit and limiting contact afterward is understandable. Keep faith, keep safe, and may Allah make this easy for you.

+13
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