I’m not sure if I’m losing faith or just depressed. Maybe both, or I’m just feeling really hopeless.

A while back, I wrote something similar. Someone reached out asking if there was anything I actually wanted to do, thinking maybe that’s why I was drifting. I said no, and after talking, I realized I don’t really have any goals. I’m in school just because it’s expected and I need it to get by, but I don’t desire much. I haven’t seen friends in ages, and I deleted all my social media. I just want to stop feeling bad. But there’s definitely an Islamic side to this too. This week, there was a community gathering, and I couldn’t bear the thought of wearing an abaya. Not because I’m against modesty, but because I felt like I’d be playing dress-up in a space where I don’t belong and where I’m not welcomed. I ended up going in a top and skirt, with hijab of course, but I just feel so out of place at these events now and don’t want to be there at all. It’s Dhul Hijjah, and I hoped to feel something different or use it as a chance to make du’a and ask Allah to change my heart, but honestly, I feel silly. I don’t know what it is, but that feeling of pretending or make-believe won’t leave me.