i want to pray again but something's holding me back

asaak, i'm struggling to even put this into words. it's been so long since i prayed regularly. every day i tell myself today's the day i start again, and every day i fail. the longer i delay, the more ashamed i feel-and that shame just makes it harder to come back. the last year has been really tough. i grew up in a chaotic home where fighting was normal. as the eldest, i always felt i had to keep things from falling apart, but i never really had any peace. and about a month ago, my husband and i separated. i truly believed he'd be my partner for life. people say "if Allah took him away, he wasn't good for you," and maybe that's right. but right now, i just can't stop thinking about how someone i planned a future with is gone, and i don't know how to handle this hurt. to make it worse, my work situation is a mess. the goals i worked so hard for feel so distant that i'm starting to wonder if i should just give up. i feel spiritually drained. i can't find peace anywhere. i miss the person i used to be, and i miss feeling close to Allah swt, but when i try to stand for salah, i just freeze. it's like my heart wants to return but my body won't move. part of why i stopped praying is the guilt. i did things in my marriage that i never thought i'd do, and now i feel like i've let Allah and myself down. i know i should run to Him, but instead i keep running away because the guilt is too much. how do i get past this guilt and take that first step back? please make dua for me-i don't wanna stay stuck like this anymore.