I Don’t Know Anymore

I’m just talking into emptiness. Every devout person frustrates me, every nonbeliever frustrates me, and I honestly don’t think I have faith. It’s like a piece of my soul is being torn away. I almost feel disgust when I try to pray. What’s so broken in me that I can’t even pray? Why has Allah, in His hatred for me, sealed my heart? Why does everyone else seem to get the deen while I don’t? Why don’t other Muslims have the doubts that haunt me? What’s so wrong with me? What’s so detestable about me that Allah won’t guide me, even when I plead and plead to understand? I plead not to leave Islam. I plead to be a good Muslimah. I plead to understand, yet I’m so distant from the faith I can’t even call myself a Muslim anymore. I want to die. I have questions and thoughts most people can’t even imagine, and I don’t care if that sounds arrogant-most people have no clue what it’s like inside my head for a single day. It’s hard to even make du’aa because I’m not sure the One I’m asking for help even exists. The only thread keeping me Muslim is my parents. If they left this world tomorrow, I’d probably abandon the religion entirely. I don’t comprehend and I don’t believe. I’ve read the Qur’an and it didn’t move me. Why do I beg Allah for guidance and get none? Why have I asked not to die except upon this faith, only to end up so far that I can’t even claim to be Muslim? Allah guides whom He wills, and clearly He won’t guide me, no matter how much I plead. I don’t want advice, because everyone always gives the same weak, disappointing words they give anyone who questions. I’ve heard every explanation, nothing clicks. There’s nothing left for me. I’m hopeless and worthless. I just want to die.