Feeling lost in life’s hardships

Assalamu alaikum, everyone. I grew up in really tough conditions. My parents split, and my mother always took out her anger from my father on me-verbally and physically. Later, she remarried, and when I’d visit, she’d do the same, even choking me sometimes and saying it’d be better if I were dead than to embarrass her. Through all that, my half-brother came from her second marriage, and her husband passed away. While she was with him, I lived with my grandmother, who wasn’t kind; she kicked me out twice over chores and often insulted me, saying my parents dumped me on her doorstep. All this time, I’ve only prayed to Allah, asking Him to rescue me from these situations, begging Him. After my stepfather died of cancer, my mother and I started living together. I’ve been heavily suicidal for 10 years, and it’s affected my body with physical illness. My own mother constantly mocks me, and I feel worthless in my own home. I wonder how a mother can be so cruel to her child. She always brings up how she didn’t have to take care of me but did, so now I owe her, and the least I can do is whatever she wants. I started earning early to gain independence, and that helped for a while-when I brought money, she’d be happy and things were calm. But when my suicidal thoughts got worse in college, I couldn’t focus on learning skills for a job, so I couldn’t find a proper one afterward. Truly, I wish I could go back and do things differently. I’m jobless and have been searching for four months. I had a job before, but my mother kept taunting that it wasn’t enough, looked at me, and spat in my face. I feel so lost. I also wanted to marry someone, but that person turned out to be awful to me too. I just feel stuck. I’ve been making dua to Allah to free me from this house for almost a decade now. I feel like hope is gone. I don’t know what to do. Isn’t Allah just? He is. Don’t parents have a duty to be kind to their own children?