Feeling Lost and Struggling with Faith
As-salamu alaykum, everyone. I was raised in a non-practicing Muslim family-I'm Albanian, so maybe some of you know how many Albanians don't really follow the religion deeply. We believe in Allah and avoid pork, but that's about it-no Ramadan fasting, no prayers, nothing like that. I only started really practicing Islam about two years ago. Recently, though, my iman has taken a huge hit. It's the lowest it's been since I began. I was doing well before, but now I'm praying just once a day, not making dua, and even listening to music-which I know is not ideal. I'm confused if all this effort is worth it because sometimes I feel like I’m doomed anyway. Lately, I've been feeling so down, like everything is pointless and I hate my life. I hardly have any friends now since I stopped hanging out with them because they don't practice Islam and do things that are haram, and I didn’t want to be influenced by that. My family doesn’t practice, so I have no one to go to the masjid with. I hate my job, and I’m not married yet, and being a woman in my mid-twenties makes me feel like my time is running out. I don’t see the point in living sometimes. I keep getting these bad thoughts-waswas-about smoking and drinking, and I don’t know why. Before I started practicing, I never drank, and I only smoked briefly in high school to fit in with friends, then I stopped. I don’t understand what’s happening or why I’m having these terrible thoughts. Is this normal? Does anyone else feel like this sometimes for no reason? Am I a bad person or a lost cause? Because right now, it feels like I am. Please, I really need some advice and support.