Feeling lost and seeking guidance: A reflection on my past and seeking a better path

Salam everyone, I truly didn't know where else to turn for some advice. I can't access professional counseling right now, and I feel like even those I respect in my community might not fully grasp the depth of my struggle. Looking back, I realize I've been a deeply self-centered person for a long time. Even after embracing Islam two years ago, old habits of selfishness and greed have persisted. I've failed in my responsibilities, being emotionally harmful to those close to me, judgmental towards others, and neglecting my duties to my family. I've struggled with honesty. My fear isn't about my mistakes being exposed; it's that I don't feel I deserve forgiveness. The idea of facing mercy feels wrong when I think of the kind people I've hurt-my shortcomings have caused them pain, and simply saying sorry often doesn't feel like enough. I've made many duas recently, wishing I could do some great act of sacrifice to outweigh my past wrongs, but then I worry even that desire is just another form of ego, trying to feel like a 'hero' instead of truly changing. People who cared for me have suffered because of my actions. While I haven't committed major crimes, I know in my heart that I've abused trust and shown a capacity for harm. If given more power or influence, I fear I might have misused it. There are moments when ending this struggle feels tempting, but I know that's a coward's escape. It would just pass my burden to others-my family, my friends, and my community. I don't want my failures to reflect poorly on the beautiful deen of Islam. I'm trying to hold onto hope and find a way to genuinely repent and become better, for the sake of Allah and those around me.