Umrah booked but struggling with prayer and bitterness - need advice, please

Salam everyone, I have intermittent explosive disorder and borderline personality disorder, and the past ten years have been really rough for me. I’ve been through trauma, abuse and blackmail, and that has left me feeling very bitter toward the world and people around me. I find myself blaming and questioning Allah a lot. I know life is a test, but because of my condition I sometimes overreact and say horrible things about the religion and people. I’ve actually forgotten parts of how to pray. I remember bits, but I wouldn’t be comfortable doing it without some guidance. After getting married I felt a strong desire to do Umrah, so I booked a trip - it’ll be our first time. I also recently stopped using marijuana (I used it to try to stop my rage) and alhamdulillah I’m ten days clean. I’m really torn. Should I still go to Umrah? Part of me wants to, but another part keeps saying I shouldn’t because I don’t really know how to pray properly. I still have a few months before the trip, and I’m trying to reconnect, but I feel so distant from the deen right now - I’ve been quite unwell lately. I keep blaming Allah and using bad language. I’m often mean to people even though I try to be good. Small things trigger me and I fly into rage. I feel like a bad person who doesn’t deserve this journey. Please, brothers and sisters, any advice or personal experiences would mean a lot. I sincerely want to improve and get closer to Allah, but I’m scared I’m too far gone. Has anyone else been in a similar place? JazakAllah khair for any help or guidance.