Struggling to love my mother and feeling lost in my faith
Salam everyone. I need help understanding something: is loving your mother an absolute obligation in Islam, even when you genuinely can’t bring yourself to? I’m not looking for empty words like “just forgive and forget.” I hope someone really hears me. My relationship with my mother has always been broken. There’s been so much pain – harsh words, physical hurt, constant insults, being told I’m a burden, even that she regrets having me. And neglect, a lot of it. Recently, I found out about things in her private life that have shaken me to my core. Affairs, obscenity – I feel disgusted. I can’t even look at her without anger, resentment, and just… disgust. I can’t help it. I’ve never hated anyone this much. I dream of being independent and cutting her off completely, never looking back. But Islam says honor your parents. I get that. But does that really apply even in my situation? I’m sorry if this sounds disrespectful – that’s not my intention – but I wonder: does Allah see what I’m going through? My whole life, from childhood, has been one trial after another. Financial struggles, abuse – physical, emotional, even sexual – from family and outsiders. Was any of this fair for a girl to carry since she was little? I can cope with everything else, but when it comes to my mother, I just can’t. I hate her. And it’s making me feel angry towards my faith (astaghfirullah) because I feel invisible. I have no one to talk to. When I turn to Islam, the answer is always “pray and trust Allah.” But I’m sinking in depression, can’t even get out of bed. How am I supposed to fix my bond with God when I can’t even take care of myself? How long do I just leave it to Allah while life keeps hitting me? Some might say, think of the children in Gaza or those worse off and be grateful. But why is the bar so low for me? Others get to look at my life and feel blessed, while I’m told to be thankful for the bare minimum. I don’t want to disobey Allah or become a sinner. But honestly, I see no difference between my life when I was devout, praying daily, trusting God – and now, when hope feels gone. Can someone explain what Islam truly asks from a person in a situation like mine? Or in a life like mine? Please, I need more than just words.