A Heart-Wrenching Journey to Marriage

I might remove this later for privacy. I was in a relationship with a man who served in the military and was independent. We both had careers and understood each other well. From the beginning, I was clear that I only wanted marriage. He agreed and said he felt the same. Initially, I didn’t know about his family’s customs. In his family, they only marry cousins or close relatives. He lied and assured me there would be no problems. I trusted him. I told my parents about him, and they accepted, saying we’d wait for a proposal. I was so relieved to have their support. He started trying to convince his family, but their reaction was harsh. His father stopped speaking to him, criticizing that I’m not a doctor and refusing to proceed with the proposal. I was in touch with his sister-she seemed friendly at first and even invited me over randomly, which I didn’t accept. His mother called my mom, but kept dodging the marriage topic. My mom clearly told her, “Please send a proposal; we’re waiting for you.” At first, he promised he’d win them over, saying his dream was to marry me and he’d do anything. He made so many promises that I was blinded. All this caused constant arguments, and I felt terrible because his father kept suggesting other matches, making me seem spoiled due to our background differences. I ignored those, believing we’d be together. He wasn’t practicing Islam much-rarely prayed and smoked. I told him I couldn’t accept that. He quit smoking and even started praying five times a day. I’m not perfectly pious, but I’ve always practiced my faith. Still, I slipped badly in this relationship, hoping it would lead to a halal marriage. We were long-distance, meeting occasionally. He used to respect boundaries and didn’t touch me, and I made sure of that. Then one day, he initiated intimate contact. I hated it at first and said it wouldn’t happen again, but it became a cycle, and I got drawn into those moments. We never went all the way, but there was physical intimacy. I always felt ashamed and sought forgiveness (tawbah) each time. I urged him to ask Allah’s forgiveness too, warning there’d be no barakah in our marriage. He’d dismiss it, saying it was our private thing and he knew what he was doing, which disgusted me. I focused on my own repentance. We fought often. His sister blocked me, and his family told him to stay away from me. Yet he told my mom and me that he was working hard to convince his father. I believed him and wanted to make the relationship halal as soon as possible. I loved him deeply and was emotionally attached. I envisioned our future and prayed constantly, even praying tahajjud and performing istikhara, asking Allah to ease our path. His family kept rejecting us, leading to more fights. After a big argument, my parents found out. Seeing me cry over him, they beat me and emotionally abused me. There was so much drama. I was taken to a therapist, who said his parents would never agree. But I trusted Allah, kept praying, and when he came back apologizing, I gave him a three-month deadline to resolve things. During that time, I sincerely repented for my sins and set boundaries with him. He didn’t like those boundaries and manipulated me emotionally. Just one month in, he started an argument, said I didn’t respect him, and abandoned me-breaking all his promises. I had a severe breakdown, ended up in the hospital, and was put on medication. I even begged him, for Allah’s sake, to save our relationship, but he refused and said he no longer wanted to marry me. I felt used and heartbroken, and I’m still suffering. Now that his three-month deadline has passed, I feel so low and even suicidal, asking Allah to take my life. My mental health is shattered, my parents are deeply worried, and my trust is broken. I don’t think I can ever trust a man again. I poured my entire soul into this, hoping it would become halal, but I feel disgusted by our memories and my sins.