How can I heal my relationship with my mom? TW: SA & Abuse

وعليكم السلام First, استغفر الله. I know talking about this feels so wrong and shameful, but I’m asking for guidance because I can’t keep living like this. I’ll try to be brief but honest. My dad cheated on my mom and was abusive; he eventually left and married someone else. That made my childhood a mess, but this is about my mom. Because of what she went through with my dad, my mom abused me for years. This wasn’t a slap here and there - it was real emotional abuse from when I was about 5 until around 13. She would say things like everything my dad did was my fault, that she wished she had left me too, that she wished I was never born. From a very young age I had to parent her and act like her therapist. When I was 6, my maternal grandfather molested me for months. الحمد لله he died when I was young, but my mom always spoke highly of him. When I finally told her around 12 or 13, she said she already knew, didn’t speak to him for a short while, and told me to move on because it’s in the past. She even implied it happened to other cousins and to not dwell on it. I stopped speaking to her for a year after that. I couldn’t accept how she could praise him while knowing what he’d done. Over the years we kept arguing about it; her response is always that I’m hurting because I keep thinking about it. It’s maddening when she watches true crime and cries for strangers, yet can’t show me that same compassion. She’s often dismissive about my needs. If I’m sick I’m expected to manage myself; if my younger sister is sick my mom takes care of her. If my mom gets a small injury she cries and demands help. When I asked for therapy or said I was depressed, she mocked me and called me an attention seeker. I’ve carried the household as the eldest daughter - the “man of the house” - and I’m exhausted. I’ve been isolated my whole life, rarely allowed friends or going out. I’m 23 now. On the surface we’ve “fixed” things: I keep quiet, forgive, and maintain appearances. People think we’re close, and she can be kind and friendly - even my best friend at times - but many core issues remain. She has crude manners, curses, raises her voice, and lacks respect in public; I worry about how that will affect future in-laws when I get married. I’ve learned to go silent to avoid fights. I feel overwhelmed, resentful, and stuck between loving her and being hurt by how she handled the sexual abuse and how she treats me. I truly want advice on how to repair this relationship in a way that’s healthy and Islamic. I don’t want to harbor hatred; I’ve forgiven much of her behavior because I understand she had a horrible life, and I feel compassion for her. But forgiveness doesn’t erase pain, and I don’t know what practical steps to take to make things better without losing myself. Please, sisters, share your advice. How do I set boundaries kindly, seek reconciliation, and protect my mental health while honoring my duty to my mother? Any dua, practical steps, or similar experiences would mean a lot. May Allah forgive me for speaking this way and guide us both. (Please no dms from men. Sisters only.)