Feeling Off Track (long rant)

As-salamu alaykum - recently I reverted and things were going well since spring 2024, but I’ve been off my game since November. I even fell into drug use and, sadly, stopped praying for a while. I got rebellious about being single and lonely, so I tried to “get a boyfriend” the way it’s done here in the West. I started praying again this week, though not always on time, and I keep making dua about this impure situation. Of course now I’m having so much conflict with the non‑Muslim man I’m dating - it’s almost ironic. Four months of cuddles felt sweet at first, but it’s already turning tragic and empty. Without a bigger purpose than just feelings, these connections don’t last. What I’ve realised is you need someone who shares your beliefs, values, and life goals, someone you can build mercy and affection with - ideally by marrying before any physical touching. I feel ashamed for having been in something haram. I had stayed chaste since my conversion and divorce four years ago, but I’ve been so depressed and even suicidal that when this kind man showed interest, I couldn’t say no. He’s helped mend my heart, but if the relationship ends it will hurt again, and I’m stuck because while he’s kind, I can’t bring myself to break it off easily. He’s not going to revert or really take Islam seriously as far as I can tell, though Allah knows best. It would feel different if I didn’t care about religion, but I miss praying and the masjid so much. I can’t fully connect with his worldview or values, even though he’s a good person. Maybe some flaws could improve if he had faith, but that’s in Allah’s hands. Early on he told me “you do you” and accepted my desire to practice in theory, which was nice. But after we became intimate I stopped practicing because it felt hypocritical to pretend to be Muslim while being that far off. I want to reach out to a local revert sister who’s very devout - she’s the kind of person who’s hard to approach when you’ve slipped up, but I miss her support. I haven’t contacted her because it feels awkward and shameful. Right now I’m focused on reestablishing my salah on time and making dua for guidance and for removal of what displeases Allah from my life. I believe that once my prayers are regular, this problem will lose its hold on me, and then I’ll ask Allah for the strength to be alone if He wills that I’m not meant to have a husband or family right now. At the end of the day, everyone wants peace. I’m not really looking for advice, just needed to share.