Feeling lost in prayer and struggling with self-harm – need some guidance

Salaam everyone, I could really use some advice and maybe just to get this off my chest. I’ve been Muslim all my life, and I probably have ADHD or autism – honestly, I’ve never experienced real khushu in prayer, no matter how hard I try to focus. It makes me feel like all my salah is somehow wrong or not counted, and it’s heartbreaking because I already struggle with social things, and now it feels like I can’t even get close to Allah (swt). It’s just really tough, and I don’t know what to do. Another thing I’ve dealt with since I was younger is self-harm. The guilt after relapsing and then seeing blood when I roll up my sleeves for wudu is crushing. I’ve struggled with it for years, and even though I’m one month clean now, the shame is still there. Last month was especially hard, and a bigger injury on my arm is still healing (it needed stitches, but I didn’t go to the hospital). If anyone knows how I can make wudu safely without getting the wound infected, I’d really appreciate the help. I know it’s haram, and I feel like I’ve gone too far to deserve forgiveness – like I’ve ruined the body Allah gave me and don’t even deserve to pray. But alhamdulillah, I’m trying. If anyone has been through something similar or can offer any advice, please let me know.