Emotionally Avoidant or Just Done?
As-salamu alaykum - I recently had to cut contact with 2 friends and I’m looking for some perspective: were these problems on their side, just compatibility issues, or am I the one who’s emotionally avoidant? Insha'Allah your thoughts will help. Scenario #1: I have a childhood friend from school. We were very close growing up but lately our relationship has been mostly just checking in with life updates. Years ago we travelled together and after that trip I noticed her attitude towards me shift a bit. We had some arguments while travelling but we settled them then. After that it started as little jabs about me getting attention, then remarks about me giving importance to another mutual friend. At my sister’s wedding she got upset that I didn’t call to invite her personally and that I only sent a card. When I got married she came to stay with me in my city, was helpful, but kept being snappy and I felt like I was being quietly scolded for something I couldn’t name. There was a negative energy that I couldn’t shake. I’ve changed a lot in recent years - studied, worked, travelled, got married - and I’ve made new friends (some stayed, some didn’t). I’ve drifted from her partly because of distance and partly because of that subtle vibe and because she wasn’t around in some hard moments. I don’t want to hold it against her - I know people get busy - but it felt unfair that she held it against me for not being at every marriage-related thing. Also, our conversations often revolve around her problems: why she can’t find a husband, why she thinks she’s not pretty, or her suspicions about others. It gets exhausting to keep reassuring someone who won’t accept it or try to work on themselves. Scenario #2: I met her about 3 years ago and we hung out, travelled, and did new things together. We talked about life sometimes, but she was never my closest person and I wasn’t hers. She would ask intrusive stuff - who is at home, what brand I’m wearing - and she’d argue with me even when I had experience in a topic. She also commented on things like why I wasn’t exercising before my wedding. It felt like constant scrutiny, like she was trying to put me down, though she could also be very caring. When my wedding came she assumed she’d be invited to events on the groom’s side and I had to explain guest limits meant only family could attend. I had my nikkah a week before the main wedding (she was invited to the nikkah) and since I hadn’t told her separately she got upset. I was going through a rough patch before marriage and honestly don’t remember spending as much time with her then. I’ve mostly cut contact with #2, but I’m still unsure about #1. I try to be there for friends - I’m honest, kind, and respectful of boundaries. I value privacy and dignity, and I try to mirror people so I can show up in ways they appreciate. But often I end up as the person people vent to, or I get the sense some try to push me down while expecting full access to me. My close friends tell me they feel safe with me and that I’m empathetic and non-judgemental. Yet others act entitled to my time and then make me out to be the bad one when I can’t meet their expectations. So am I just having a run of bad friendships, or am I emotionally avoidant? I don’t shy away from vulnerability or intimacy necessarily, but I do try to avoid conflict. Any thoughts or advice? JazakAllahu khair - may Allah guide me to what’s best.