Caught Between Faith and Doubt: My Struggle with BPD and Islam

Salam, I'm not sure if this is the right place to share this, because I feel it's more about my BPD than my actual faith. I wanted to talk to non-Muslims since Muslims might be biased, but then non-Muslims have their own bias, so here I am. For those who don't know, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) means I've never really had a stable sense of who I am. I don't recognize myself in the mirror most days-I'm like a stranger to my own soul. Plus, I see everything in extremes, black and white. About a year ago, I embraced Islam after being an atheist, but it was after years of on-and-off curiosity. Honestly, I rushed into it. I still haven't finished reading the Quran, and the more I learn, the more questions I have that unsettle me. The real issue is, I don't know if I truly believe. I can't grasp the idea of Jannah and Jahannam, or how my prayers actually mean something. Sitting in the masjid, I look around and think, "They really believe." I don't feel that certainty. Maybe I was just desperate for an identity-something to give me structure, morals, a way of life-because I can't produce my own opinions that don't flip daily. When my faith was fading, I started wearing hijab two months ago, even though I follow the view that it's not obligatory. It was like clinging harder to this identity. Now I'm scared. If I take it off, people will judge me-colleagues, friends. They'll think, "I knew it," and I'll lose the stability I built. My close friends already nod along when I share new life visions because they know I'll change my mind soon. But this change would be so visible, so final. I'm scared of abandoning Islam and it just being my BPD winning-like shaitan whispering and me being too weak. But if it's all true, do I even want to worship Allah right now? That thought makes me feel like the worst kind of person: someone who believes but is too proud to submit. I can't tell which thoughts to trust. I'm in therapy, but I haven't mentioned this because I'm afraid of deconstructing my faith and losing this identity, going back to being an empty shell. A middle ground I've found? Maybe take off the hijab and just follow Islam loosely-pray when I'm lost, celebrate Eid, but not much else. Like a cultural Muslim. But if I truly believed, that's exactly what I'd want to avoid. And if I don't believe, why bother at all? I know this is messy and long. Has anyone else gone through something like this? Any kind words? Please be gentle.