As-salamu alaykum - I regret not visiting my father in ICU

As-salamu alaykum. I need to share something I’ve been carrying for years. My father was in ICU for months after his bypass. I wasn’t classed as next of kin, so getting past security was hard, especially during the tail end of COVID. So many times something stood in the way, and instead of pushing through like I wish I had, I backed down and didn’t go in to see him. A few times we did video calls but they didn’t last - he could barely speak. There’s a lot more detail I could say but it’s overwhelming. I’m filled with regret for not being there more and for leaving him while he was in pain I can’t imagine. I sometimes wake up with sleep paralysis and think about how he suffered for months, and when I feel any ache or wish for it to stop I remember his pain was worse and I didn’t help. I don’t know how to keep living with this weight. I wish I could have taken some of his pain away, but it’s too late and he’s gone. I thought we’d have a chance to talk when he recovered, but all I have now are the memories of him in pain. I don’t know if I can feel joy again; whenever I do feel a bit lighter I’m overwhelmed with guilt. Years on, nothing much has changed. I still struggle with wanting to disappear and hating myself. I’m sharing this because I need duas and maybe advice from others who’ve felt this kind of guilt. Jazāk Allāhu khayran for reading.