When the wish to leave this world weighs heavy on my soul
Assalamualaikum. Honestly, I’m at a loss about what to feel anymore. My state keeps swinging between moments of strong faith and a crushing guilt that makes me want to just give up. I’m terrified of what might happen if I actually acted on these thoughts. The fear of jahannam haunts me, and I can’t stop thinking about my mother’s tears, the burden on my grandparents, and my sister’s shock. I don’t want them to suffer or blame themselves. I know if I were gone, they’d think they failed me, that they didn’t love me enough to make me want to stay. I see the exhaustion on my mother’s face and hear it in my grandparents’ voices. When I spiral down, I push everyone away. I stop eating, I go silent, and then the guilt over my own cold behavior eats me alive. I keep wondering how disappointed Allah must be with me. Sometimes I can’t even find the strength to pray, and the guilt is overwhelming. I feel awful for wanting to escape when I have so many blessings. My life isn’t terrible-it’s just my mind that can’t handle it. I wish I could shake this heaviness. Some nights I replay my past mistakes and regret them deeply. Even though I’ve been told my sins were wiped clean when I reverted, I still feel unworthy. I don’t think I can ever be a good enough person. Every time I catch myself judging others or comparing, I hate myself for it. The thought that I’m a failed Muslim destroys me. I sometimes wish I was born into a practicing household, but then guilt hits again for being ungrateful to my own family. Everything twists into proof that I’m just terrible. I know I shouldn’t want to die when I have more than so many others. I live comfortably, yet I can’t find a reason to want to be here. I feel like I’m letting precious time slip through my hands, wasting my life by sinking into sadness over and over. I’m sorry for going on like this. I just need a kind word or some hope. When I keep it all in my head, I desperately want someone to hear me, but I can’t bring myself to tell my mother how much I wish I could just disappear. I’m truly sorry.