Struggling with my faith and feelings

Assalamu alaikum. I know this sounds bad, but I need to get it off my chest. A few months ago I was much more devout, eager to dress modestly and all, but now it just makes me feel repulsed. About a year and a half back I stopped listening to music, yet now I find myself playing a few songs and I feel doomed. I dread the idea of wearing hijab, and it stings even more that so many girls my age already do. A friend of mine kept stressing how she'd never drop her modesty because of the heat, all while looking right at me. I long to wear cute tops, skirts, and dresses, and it breaks my heart knowing I probably never will. Most of my friends are Muslim and wear hijab; some even avoid trousers for modesty. When I tried hijab in Ramadan, they urged me to keep it on, saying I "looked prettier." I'm silently clashing with my parents too-they don't get why I yearn for certain clothes when we shop, and they warn me about fearing Allah and hellfire. It's not about the heat; I'm always cold, but I just want to feel pretty. Every year my choices shrink, and it's suffocating. I can't even justify my feelings because it's all just haram. I resent the cultural norms tied to Islam, and I can't stand the thought of marrying anyone from my background-Arab or Kurd-or honestly, anyone. Hearing the lustful stories from different communities turns my stomach. I hate the anti-feminist attitudes and how some Muslim men act all macho; it feels controlling, like they want women just for cooking and their own desires. I haven't touched the Quran properly since Ramadan, and I feel awful about it, but I can't motivate myself to change. I used to be so strong in faith, and now I'm barely managing my prayers with no one to talk to. The thought of wearing hijab in a year terrifies me-imagining people expecting me to be quiet and subdued because a woman shouldn't be outspoken makes me want to scream. I have no one to share this with, and it makes me wish for an escape. I hate this world, all because I could be so much more if I weren't so boxed in. I don't want to feel this way; I wish I could embrace hijab and abaya happily, but honestly, I despise it. It's scary to hate the very path meant to lead to Jannah. I'm sorry this is all over the place-I'm usually more composed, but I don't know where to begin or end. Everything hurts, and it seems like this pain has no finish line. And I couldn't even end it if I wanted, because that too is haram.