Struggling with loneliness and feelings I can’t control

Assalamu alaykum, everyone. I feel so lost and I need to get this off my chest. I don’t come from a Muslim family-they actually hate Islam and think all Muslims are bad. I ended up reverting in 2023, alhamdulillah, but my home life is really hard because of their views. Here’s the thing: I’ve never been with anyone before, and I know that a relationship with the same gender isn’t allowed in Islam. It hurts so much because all I’ve ever wanted is to have a companion, someone I can lean on, someone to just hold close. I’ve never even kissed a woman-the last time I really talked to a woman around my age was maybe 7 years ago, and I’m not exaggerating. Growing up, people always treated me like I was strange or avoided me completely. I have autism, and while you can’t tell just by looking at me, it affects how I act, so people find me weird or creepy once they get to know me. This has caused me so much depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. When I reverted, it got even worse because I know what Islam says about these desires. I wish I could marry a woman, but I just don’t feel attraction that way. I’ve never been intimate with anyone, and honestly, I barely see women outside of work-I mostly stay inside and only go out for my job. Even work is a struggle because I can’t stop thinking about how lonely I’ll always be. I think I might have dependent personality disorder, meaning I only feel safe and happy when I’m physically close to someone I trust. Without that touch-like an arm around my shoulder or just being near someone I care about-I feel empty. Lately, I’ve been isolating myself, staying indoors except for work. I’ve tried making friends, but people still see me as too weird or creepy. My family can’t stand that I’m Muslim, and honestly, I have a lot of anger toward them too. I don’t know what to do. I feel no joy, no happiness. I’ve thought about ending my life many times-I actually attempted suicide when I was 11. I’ve been on over 20 different medications, but nothing helps for long. I’ve made du’a so many times, begging Allah for relief, and I do get brief moments where the sadness lifts, but it always comes back. I just don’t see a way out.