So tired of living in a broken home

Asalamu Alaykom. I’m in my second year of uni and I just need to let this out somewhere. Growing up, I always knew my parents had issues. I was only 6 when I first saw my dad hurt my mom-physically and with his words. I was so young but I knew it was wrong, and it broke my heart seeing the person who’s meant to protect us do that. He was also betraying her. I remember him taking me out with the kids of the woman he was seeing, telling me they were his friends’ children. That woman even called our house once, and my mom picked up. I was just a child, yet I understood things I shouldn’t have. And it didn’t stop there. When I was around 10 or 11, my dad left his job and went to Europe with that woman to start a business, but she cheated him out of his money before he even arrived. After that, our finances fell apart. Now we barely get by. Sometimes there’s nothing to eat at home. He complains about bills and gets angry if we ask for groceries. He hardly gives my mom or us money for clothes or basics, while he goes out, eats well, buys himself new things-doing whatever he wants. He’s so controlling too. I found a paid internship recently and got called for an interview. I was overjoyed. I told my dad, “I have amazing news! I got an interview for an internship.” Instead of being happy, he started yelling, asking why I have so many plans and saying I can’t go. But the second I mentioned it’s paid, his tone changed and he got curious. I was so hurt I didn’t even attend the interview. That’s just one story. What really pains me is seeing my mom’s life. She has almost no clothes, her phone is ancient and broken, and she has nothing for herself. She’s truly one of the kindest souls, and sometimes I look at her and cry because she deserves so much better. Then I feel guilty because I can be harsh with her. I carry a lot of anger inside, and I get irritated fast. I think growing up in constant chaos does that. Sometimes I snap at her or say things I regret, and then I feel awful. I always end up hugging her and saying sorry because I never want her to doubt my love. I love my siblings too, and I’m really worried about my sister. She’s getting married soon, in October, but she has no job or savings because she was very ill for almost a year and had to stop working. I overheard my dad talking to my mom about the wedding-he said he doesn’t have the money and can’t give what’s expected. I know he’s struggling financially, but it hurts because my sister must have dreamed of this her whole life. It’s hard watching her stress over what should be a joyful time. And my dad often humiliates me in front of others. Just yesterday, my sister’s potential in-laws came over, and he kept mocking me, making me the joke. I sat there fighting back tears. The confusing part is that sometimes he acts like the kindest father. He tries to hug me, says I’m his favorite, jokes with me like we’re close. Sometimes I do feel sad for him-his life didn’t go as planned either. But mostly, I just resent him. I’m exhausted. I pretend I’m fine all the time. I laugh, I joke, I act normal, but inside I’m so drained. I don’t want anything extravagant. I just want to go to a park, buy myself some clothes, perfume, or skincare without guilt. Have a job, come home to peace, see my mom and siblings happy, go out as a family and actually enjoy it. A simple, normal life. That’s why I’m applying for a scholarship next month-it might be my escape. I want to leave, start fresh, become financially independent, and eventually help my mom. But even applying is hard because I need money for translations and papers, and I can’t ask my dad. I’m also looking for an online job to cover these costs. Honestly, I’ve thought about ending things more times than I want to admit. I fear Allah and I’m scared of death, but sometimes the trapped feeling is overwhelming. I don’t want to die-I just want a different life. So, if you believe in prayer, please make dua for me. Ask that I get this scholarship, find a job, become independent, and that my family finds a better place. I don’t need sympathy-I just needed to finally say this. I really hope there’s a better life waiting for me. Sorry for venting so much. Please keep me in your duas.