My Heart Has Wandered Far from Allah, and I Need to Find My Way Back
As-salamu alaykum. I really need to let out what’s in my heart without fear of judgment, but I’d truly value any sincere advice or hearing from someone who’s been where I am and found a way through. First, forgive me if I use language that’s a bit raw-maybe consider this 18+. A bit about me: I’m a sister in my twenties. I’ve always strived to have good character and hold onto my deen. I used to struggle with a personal sin that weighed heavily on my soul. I fought it until about a year ago, then everything flipped. I was unhappy with how withdrawn I was, so I started connecting with people online, mostly in non-Muslim circles. I got close to some, and slowly, I forgot how to maintain proper boundaries with brothers. Conversations became way too open, with romantic and emotional exchanges-nothing physical, but still not right. I liked the thrill of new connections and feeling my femininity. It wasn’t with every man, just those I felt drawn to. Then I ended up in a romantic relationship with one of them. I convinced myself it was everything I wanted, but it fell apart. But that’s not even the worst. Now, honestly, I don’t fear Allah anymore. I commit all kinds of private sins without any restraint or regret. I talk about shameful things, watch explicit stuff, and my heart feels no guilt. Sometimes I’d delay ghusl for days, missing prayers-even in Ramadan and once on the Day of Arafah. I remember sitting making dhikr, yet right after, I’d fall into the same sin. I’d just sit there hating myself. I stopped praying. Stopped remembering Allah. Things got worse. My friends all pulled away. I don’t even know why-maybe because I don’t feel like myself anymore. I can’t socialize. Some even mocked me for seeming silly, and I couldn’t stand up for myself. Eventually, I started hating everyone and just isolated myself completely. Now I’m on my phone 13 to 15 hours a day. I’ve abandoned my studies. Not a single exam went well this year. I can’t understand anything, memorize, or even get through a test. Simple things feel confusing. I feel like I’m just smoke or a mirage. I’ve forgotten who I am-my identity, everything. Part of me wishes I could die, but I’m scared, because I know Allah is not pleased with me. I’ve tried to repent again and again, but I fail because my heart isn’t in it. I can stop the actions for a while, but my heart feels so distant. It’s like Allah doesn’t want to guide it anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just beg Allah to soften my heart towards Him again, because I turned away knowingly and arrogantly.