Is it really haram if you don't feel love for your mother?

Assalamu alaikum, I don't have love or affection for my mother, and it's been like this since I was about 12. As the eldest daughter, she's treated me poorly for so long-constantly putting me down, mocking me, and speaking ill of me to our relatives. It makes me feel like a bad person. I'm 16 now, with my whole life ahead, but I'm filled with despair. I've been depressed as long as I remember, and she's the main reason. Every time I think maybe we can be close, she does something that reminds me why it's not possible. Even though I say I don't love her, I'd be sad if she passed away or cut contact; I'm not sure if that's love, but it doesn't feel like it to me. I'm writing this out of confusion and hopelessness. As Muslims, we're taught to love and respect our parents, especially our mothers, but I don't know how to handle this. I sometimes feel disconnected from my faith-not because I don't love Allah or want Jannah for myself and loved ones, but maybe the depression is clouding everything. About therapy: it's not common in our culture, and as a minor, I'd need parental permission, which she'd likely refuse and maybe yell at me for being depressed. In my home, it feels like emotions aren't allowed-I'm told I'm too dramatic, should be more grateful, and that others have it worse, but it's so hard to bear. This has weighed on me for years, along with school stress, pushing me to my limit. I'm not perfect and have made mistakes, but I don't think I deserve such a life-no one does. I used to be happy as a child, but now I'm anxious about everything, and my serious face doesn't help. I've rambled a bit, but I'm just tired and need some advice, insha'Allah.