The Vast Sea

Assalamu alaikum, everyone. Whenever I’m overwhelmed by stress or hardship-or just snap over tiny things after bottling up days of anxiety-I picture myself in the ocean, struggling to breathe, water pressing in. Lately, though, I’ve felt this quiet whisper: maybe it’d be easier to stop fighting. To simply sink. Because the struggle feels endless, and honestly, pointless. I know my life alhamdulillah hasn’t been terrible; I’ve had many blessings. But home was always the hard part. My father, shaped by his own toxic family, shattered my mind and heart from early on. He left this huge emptiness where I should’ve known strength, safety, and love. His cruelty-mostly not physical-left scars. Plus years of bullying, shame, and total loneliness until my teens. He cut my mother off from everyone after marriage, and she stayed, sacrificing for me and my younger brother. When I look inward, all I see is a dark, screaming storm-just chaos and grief. I grew up convinced I was flawed from birth, no matter what anyone said about Allah’s perfect creation. I made that my truth: that I’ve always been wrong. I’ve resented the world for so long. I used to think about ending things even as a child, which shattered something inside. It faded for four years as things changed, but now my studies are slipping, and those old thoughts are flooding back. I guess my grades were the only anchor keeping me going. Now sudden waves of rage or sorrow hit me out of nowhere. I don’t know what’s broken in me, but something is. Am I weak, half-hearted, for wanting to escape? Am I just running from responsibility, blaming my father for everything? Or am I really wounded inside? I hold onto the belief that Allah has a plan-that I was created for a reason. But I feel like I’m failing His mercy, developing confused feelings for the same gender while trying to fill that father-shaped void, letting my mother down after all she gave. It crushes me. I know taking one’s life is haram. I promised Allah as a child I’d never refuse His gift. Yet I feel that gift was wasted on me. I don’t want to die or commit any sin. I just wish I’d never been born, so I wouldn’t have to face any of this.