Struggling with depression, identity, and drifting from faith-need help please

Assalamu alaikum everyone, I’ve been reading posts online for ages but never thought I’d be the one writing a message asking for guidance. That tells you how desperate I’ve become. Sorry if this turns out long, but I reckon giving some background might help you understand where I’m coming from better than a quick question. I’ll try to keep it brief, insha’Allah. Quick about me: I’m a 34-year-old brother feeling completely lost, and this has been going on for about two years now. I was born Muslim into a mixed family-my dad is North African and my mum is European (she embraced Islam before I was born). I grew up mostly in the UK. Typical immigrant upbringing: work hard, push through. I never got a proper Islamic education as a kid; just went to the local Madrasah on and off, nothing structured. My parents were and still are practicing, alhamdulillah. Growing up with Islam: I’d pray now and then, fast during Ramadan, but it really hit me around age 14. I went through a tough phase-maybe you’d call it depression-where I had dreams about the end of the world and Judgment Day, and I was terrified. I’d hide under my covers on Fridays, convinced the Hour would come. One dream I still remember clearly: I was standing on a vast white plain (maybe like the plain of Arafat), in a huge line of people all dressed in white, and someone told me it was the Day of Judgment. Then I heard my dad’s voice saying, “I’ll give you one more chance to go back and fix your life.” I woke up sweating and crying. That’s when I realized I didn’t know how to pray properly-I hadn’t been taught Surah Al-Fatiha or Al-Ikhlas. I rushed to my mum, learned them by writing the sounds on paper in transliteration, and carried that paper with me to every salah, feeling shy about it. From then on, I’d say I was practicing: praying all my prayers, fasting, watching Islamic talks, trying to follow the Sunnah, keeping a beard, avoiding major sins. I’ve done Umrah many times, alhamdulillah. Back in 2022, I went through a divorce after seven years of marriage. We have two young boys (now 9 and 6). I’d already been dealing with depression before the split-honestly, I think I’ve had some mental health struggle my whole life-but after the divorce, it got worse. I had a real identity crisis. I’d always thought life was a straight line: school, uni, job, marriage, kids, and then happily ever after. That’s what I was taught. How wrong I was. 2023 felt like a blur. I was still processing everything, stuck in denial and bargaining. I came off antidepressants (Sertraline) after a year because I thought I didn’t need them. I kept hoping for reconciliation with my ex-wife, but it didn’t work out. I did a lot of journaling and reflecting, my iman increased a bit, but I was overthinking every mistake I’d made. 2024 was my lowest point. I had stomach issues and was diagnosed with H. pylori, a stomach ulcer, and a hiatus hernia. I took strong antibiotics and had a severe reaction-hallucinations, breakdowns, crying for no reason, hiding under covers. It was a nightmare. I stopped the meds, but then the deep depression hit: I couldn’t get out of bed, everything felt heavy. I was signed off work and prescribed Citalopram, but after one day I got crazy side effects like insomnia and burning chest. The doctors didn’t believe me. I later tried Prozac but couldn’t handle that either; it made Ramadan fasting impossible so I had to make up fasts later. That year, despite everything, I reconnected with Islam like never before. My iman was strong even through the depression. I’d watch Islamic lectures for every emotion-Mufti Menk, Belal Assad-and I memorized the morning and evening adhkar by listening, since I can’t read Arabic well. I walked 50 minutes to the mosque because it gave me peace through dua and prayer. I also started therapy: group sessions and one-on-one with a Muslim therapist, though not strictly Islamic in approach. I got super strict about sleep, food (cut junk, went keto-ish), and exercise, and I slowly started feeling better. But the depression came in waves. 2025 was meant to be about growth and transformation. I kept up the good habits, got in shape, and became disciplined. Everyone noticed the change. My iman was still okay-I’d pray Fajr and Isha at the mosque, and I felt connected in dua. I pushed myself to socialize more, even started looking for a wife through halal means (with walis present). I’d sit in Hyde Park journaling about my goals, listing everything Islamic I wanted to learn: stories of the prophets, seerah, the 99 names of Allah. I realized I wanted to learn Islam from scratch, like a revert, to build real conviction. But that’s when my OCD kicked in-I’d get overwhelmed not knowing where to start: tawheed, aqeedah, Quran? I enrolled in Zad Academy and online Quran lessons, but I ended up burning out. I met a sister (with her wali) for a few months, but my mental health dipped again in winter and I stopped. Now, my ongoing mental health struggles: I found out I have OCD, especially scrupulosity (waswas al-qahri). Doubts won’t leave my mind. I also deal with severe anxiety about everything-food, health, you name it. My mood swings are extreme, so much that I once thought I was bipolar. I’ve had so many tests that say I’m physically fine, but inside I feel broken. In 2026, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD on top of depression and anxiety. I’ve been in a rut all year, with existential depression questioning life’s purpose. Ramadan didn’t help; it made my depression worse. After Ramadan, I got the flu and everything collapsed. A flood of doubts came, and I lost all motivation-to pray, to be good, to even care. My iman dropped to almost nothing. I’d force myself to pray but it felt empty. A video by Sheikh Assem Al Hakeem about a sister with similar symptoms made me think of evil eye or sihr. Then, out of nowhere, I got hit with car fines and debt collectors because I forgot to update my address-over £2000 in fines. I tried doing ruqyah on myself, but I felt internal resistance, like something blocking me. After a week, I managed it, but that night I had sleep paralysis, itching, and felt a presence. I kept at it with water and honey, and now my mood is more stable, but I’m still in an existential crisis. For months, I’ve been fighting doubts about Allah and Islam. I feel like a munafiq, like my heart is sealed. I’m irritable with my parents, angry, and distant. I still pray, but it’s robotic. I’ve asked imams and da’wah brothers for help, and they say it’s just waswasa, but I feel like kufr has settled in my heart. I even hesitate to return salam because I feel fake. I want to get back my iman and purpose. I’ve started ruqyah again and Islamic counseling, but I’m lost. How do I come back when I feel nothing and think I’ve drifted too far? Please, make dua for me and share any advice. Jazakum Allahu khayran.