sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever feel like i belong

i’ve been thinking about this post i saw a while ago about some muslim men preferring white girls. it was by someone from north africa. i’m african too, but black african, and honestly, it makes me feel like i’m at the bottom of the pile. we all know colorism exists almost everywhere, but even when a brother likes you, his family often has a problem with it. a few months back, my ex ended things because his family pressured him. we were good, you know? i genuinely thought we’d get married-my dad even approved. but when his family pushed back, he just left without really explaining anything. my previous relationship ended the same way. i sincerely feel like i don’t fit in this ummah. maybe that’s dramatic, but i just feel so unaccepted and out of place. even with sisters, they drop these little comments that are so subtle i’d look crazy if i said anything, so i just stay quiet. lately, i’ve been keeping to myself, lost weight, and i’m not really sure what i’m doing. i hate being part of the community because of my experiences-i just feel so unwanted there. i’m kind of tired of the muslim community, to be honest. they don’t always practice what they preach. i literally met my ex at an event about equality (i won’t say which one, in case someone recognizes me), but then he couldn’t stand up for me. like, really? and with all the suffering going on in the world, some people only care about their careers. someone told me i should be more "open," but i refuse to be friendly with those who support the oppression of our brothers and sisters. it makes me so angry.