Reflections on Family Challenges

Salam, everyone. I’ve noticed many similar discussions, so I’m not looking for a magic fix-just sharing to ease my heart, since I don’t have anyone else to confide in. If I told someone close, the fallout would be huge. I’m a guy from a Pakistani background, working as a doctor in the UK. For as long as I remember, my parents have been harsh toward me and my siblings-physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. When I was younger, I tried to be good and please them, but they constantly compared me to other kids my age, highlighting how much better they were. They kept putting me down. They claimed this was because relatives didn’t want us to succeed, and they were trying to prove them wrong… which baffles me-how does belittling someone help them improve? They made every decision for me: what I ate, what I wore, what subjects I took in school, which university I went to, and of course, they insisted I become a doctor. There were no discussions; it was just orders. 'You’re going to do medicine,' they said, filled out the university application, and brought it to me to sign. My father stood there yelling 'sign,' and when I asked what it was for, my mother started screaming, 'sit and be a failure… you have no interest in success.' From their perspective, they clothed me, fed me, spent money on me, and educated me, which they think gives them a pass on everything. Now, I struggle to respect them. Their words and opinions don’t matter to me, and I feel I have the power. Just today, my mother picked up her slipper to throw at me, and I stood up to her and said, 'Don’t hit me with it,' right in her face. Shocked, she went into a rant about how they’ve done everything for me and I act like this. One of her points is, 'You haven’t paid a single rupee for anything' (I now pay back anything my father gets me by sending money via bank transfer). I told her this, and she reacted like, 'It was for yourself'-yes, I repaid it. I didn’t have money before because I had no job, otherwise I would have paid that too. My words were, 'If I had money then, I would have thrown it in your face.' Now she’s upset and has soured the household atmosphere, not speaking to anyone properly. In short, I’ve moved out. But now they act like I don’t talk to them. They believe all this was for my own good. After nearly thirty years with my parents, I’ve decided not to marry and definitely not to have children. Is this what family is supposed to be? Is this what being a father or parent means? My choice to avoid having a family isn’t out of fear that my kids would disrespect me (my parents say if I disrespect them, it will come back to me), but out of fear that I might become like my parents and tell my kids that the money I spent on them is a favor (ihsaan) instead of their right as my children. Feel free to share your thoughts on my reflections. Thank you for listening-it’s made the weight on my chest much lighter. May Allah bless you all with good health and prosperity. May Allah grant us the ability to be kind to the vulnerable, to our children, and protect us from being abusive and unjust. Jazak Allah Khair.