Dealing with a Difficult Father While Staying True to Islam

Assalamu alaikum, everyone. I’m a Muslim brother in my late twenties, trying to rebuild my bond with Islam after years of being disconnected. One of the biggest hurdles in my journey has been my own father, sadly. I’m not throwing around labels like narcissist casually, but his behavior often feels controlling, self-centered, and exhausting to live with. To the outside world, he’s the picture of piety-prays on time, attends the masjid constantly, speaks often about deen, and is quick to point out haram and correct others. He even criticizes fellow Muslims for not doing enough, never satisfied with anyone. But here’s the struggle: it often feels like he uses religion when it suits him, while how he treats his family tells a different story. He loses his temper over the smallest things. Any disagreement, even a gentle suggestion, can spark an argument or ruin his mood. He can act quite childish if things don’t go his way. It’s like every family gathering eventually has to revolve around him-even during nice moments, he’ll drop a negative comment or complaint that kills the atmosphere. He demands huge respect just because he’s the father, but seems blind to the fact that relationships are a two-way street. This even affects his grandkids. When they visit, he’s often glued to his phone or spending long hours at the masjid instead of engaging with them. Then later he complains they don’t show him love. Honestly, even the little ones have picked up on his attitude and aren’t too keen on being around him. At home, my mother has borne the brunt of it. She’s carried most responsibilities throughout their marriage-he does very little around the house. Weekends, he’ll be gone for hours hopping between prayers at the masjid. Of course, going to the masjid is beautiful, but it feels like another excuse to be absent. He could pray and come back to help his wife or be with family, but instead he stays away, leaving everything to others. When he’s home, he’s mostly on his phone, even with guests or his grandkids. My heart aches for my mother. I honestly think this marriage has worn down her mental well-being. She’s been dealing with his anger and character for decades-always stressed, exhausted. I’ve spoken to her many times, but she defends him, downplays it, or says things will change. They never really do. My older brothers have moved out with their own families. As they’ve aged, they and their wives have started seeing the same patterns I’ve been talking about. It’s not just me being a “disrespectful son” anymore-other family members find him draining too. I still live with my parents, though I’m working full-time, saving up, and planning to move out. I’m realizing I need physical space from this environment. And that brings me to my Islamic concern. What does Islam require from me here? I know parents hold an extremely high status, and disrespect is a serious sin. I’m not looking for permission to insult him or cut him off-I don’t want that. But where’s the line between honoring my father and letting him control my life and harm my mental health? Can I Islamically move out, limit time around him, say no to unreasonable requests, walk away when he’s angry, and set firm boundaries-while still keeping in touch and being respectful? I’m also struggling with resentment. As I’m relearning my prayers and striving to be a better Muslim, I sometimes get angry when he preaches at me, because I’ve seen him misuse religion while mistreating his family. I know Islam isn’t to blame for his flaws, and I’m trying hard to separate the deen from my father’s version of it, but it’s tough. How can someone so devoted to outward worship have so little awareness of how he treats his wife, kids, and grandkids? Maybe I’m wrong about some of this, or maybe there are things I need to fix Islamically-that’s part of why I’m sharing. I don’t want to hate my father or abandon him. I just don’t want his behavior to rule my life, and I don’t want my relationship with him to ruin my relationship with Allah. Jazakum Allahu khairan for any advice.