Pain That Only Jannah Can Heal

I'm sorry this is so long. I’m trying to put into words things that have been stuck inside me for years. I never really had a chance to talk about them. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m so exhausted and in so much pain. I’ve been severely depressed for seven years straight, for many reasons. My happiness, my wishes, my dreams-none of them exist in this dunya. Either they’re impossible, out of reach, misleading and could lead to haram, or so imperfect that I only get a tiny sliver of them. Basically, everything I truly want is only achievable in Jannah. Some are like alcohol-present in Paradise but forbidden here. Others aren’t haram in general, but in my case they are. I’m a man, but my nature and interests are very feminine. I’ve always felt I belong to the other gender, and it makes self-expression so hard, and people treat me differently. Some longings are simply impossible in this world. I can’t find happiness or even peace anywhere. I’ve just put my dreams in a waiting room until I can earn them in Jannah. The only thing accessible to me was games. They used to be my only escape. But because of many problems, I started spending more and more time on them until I got completely obsessed, and that obsession began to hurt me. I’d play all day, but family, tasks, device issues always stopped me from playing as I wanted. I even started wanting everything in those games, including paid items, but I’m broke and I know Islam doesn’t encourage wasting time and money on such things. Eventually, playing made me cry and feel pain, so I decided to quit for good. That only brought more pain because games were my only escape, but under my circumstances, they couldn’t feel the same anymore. My deep depression and loneliness started about five years ago when I entered high school. I have a twin brother who’s not good at handling people and sometimes acts very childishly. He brought unwanted attention on both of us, and classmates started avoiding us, then bullying us. I always tried to defend him, but that only made things worse. I decided to keep my head down, not try to make friends, so my brother would stay quiet and stop causing trouble. It didn’t really work, and I ended up feeling completely alone and developed social anxiety. Even now, after we went to different universities, I still find it so hard to communicate with people. At the same time, problems with my parents began. I complained about my twin brother and was always in a bad mood, and instead of support, I got harsh reactions. I needed them most then, but I got nothing but anger and misunderstandings. For three years, I kept apologizing to them for 'them misunderstanding me,' sometimes three times a week. My constant sadness, gender confusion, lack of joy, porn addiction, inner battles-my parents just saw it as me being mad at them, so they treated me harshly. Eventually, I lost all trust in them. I couldn’t open up about happiness or sadness anymore. I just accepted they’d never change or try to understand me. I keep the peace by doing whatever they want, never complaining, never arguing, just 'yes mom, yes dad,' and hiding my pain. Now, they love me deeply, but that’s only because I suppress everything. I wish their love came from me showing love, not from me forcing myself to be what they want. I’m not saying I hate them, but I’m not sure I really love them either. I feel insecure around them, always on guard. The moment I slip-like showing a little annoyance or asking for something they might not like-it gets intense again, they get angry, and I immediately apologize and remember I shouldn’t have thought they might care. I’m an introvert, and after those high school years, I became even more socially anxious. I tried making friends online and in real life for nearly four years, and it always ends the same: I get friends, I get deeply attached and put their needs first, and in the end they become harsh and abandon me. This has happened way too many times. No matter how careful I am or what I change, they all hurt me. I just had to ignore the pain, and the wounds never healed. I’ve reached the point where I’ve given up on people entirely. I fear communication, I don’t want friends anymore, I hate talking to people. If that seems rude, so be it. But I can’t deny I need someone in my life, someone to listen to me talk about whatever I love, to discuss movies, anime, or game stories. But no matter how gentle and safe someone seems, I can’t trust or open up. I fear the same outcome, and honestly, I can’t handle giving my time or energy to anyone anymore. I’ve accepted loneliness. I hate that I just imagine people in my head and talk to them about things, whether happy or sad. I despise my country and my background. It’s a huge reason my life is ruined. Economically, it’s far below average. Even though my family isn’t poor, even average to high-earning people struggle here. Since I was little, I’ve been deprived of so much. I always wanted toys and plushies but told myself I can’t have them. As I grew, new needs came, and it was always the same-I knew I couldn’t get them. I remember how much it hurt seeing those things behind a glass wall and feeling jealous of other kids. I learned too early that my desires are out of reach. Even now, when my dad got better jobs and asks what I want, I just say I’m okay and don’t need anything, even when I do. My country ruined me socially too. Besides what I already explained, the culture, how people think and act, the whole way of life here-it’s all against my nature. My thoughts are often laughed at, like 'what are you even saying?' What I love makes me feel like an alien. The people are so toxic and uncaring, I can’t get along with anyone. I hate the people here. I’m so different from them, and I’ve had to suppress so much just because I can’t express or show it. I have a strong affection for feminine things. As a kid, I’d act like a girl in private or in front of a mirror, but I stopped as I grew older. My character and interests are very feminine. But I know Islam and my country are against imitating the opposite gender. I never chose this nature, and I can’t change it. I can’t force myself to love what I don’t love or abandon what I truly admire. This is a huge reason I struggle in every part of life. I can never express myself or experience what I feel connected to. I live pretending to be someone I’m not, hiding my true self. But let me be clear: as a biological male, I will never actually behave in a feminine way. I just desire it, but both religiously and ethically I can’t take any path near it. That just makes me suffer more. My porn addiction started seven years ago, and I’m deeply addicted. I’ve tried so hard to quit, but I always go back. I hate it, but with all this sadness and deprivation, it’s so hard. Even after just four days away, I feel unstable, sexual thoughts consume my mind, rage, powerlessness, exhaustion. I’ve tried everything-deleting apps and avoiding all sexual content-but if it’s not the internet, it’s my own imagination. I’m not justifying it; it’s a sin and haram, and I must quit. I’m just explaining why it’s so difficult. I hate myself so much. I can’t accept who I am. I reject loving myself. I always feel this sense of rejection, like there’s a 'me' inside and a body outside that I despise. I hate being seen and identified as myself. I never take photos or try to improve my appearance. I basically wish I was born someone else-different looks, origins, name, life, family, environment. But that can’t happen, and it only makes me hate myself more. I constantly overthink. There’s always a war inside my chest and head. I imagine conversations with people I’ve met or never met, replay past mistakes, future discussions, even moments when I got a compliment. Even this text, I’ve imagined talking about it many times. I feel constant heat and pain in my chest, can’t concentrate, feel weak and lazy. For these seven years, I’ve always prayed and asked Allah to make things better, to give me relief. He never answered. I felt let down, but then I’d regain stronger faith, tell myself not to let shaytan affect me, try to be better religiously. But still no response. I beg Him, 'Please, I need something soon, I’m in so much pain, I can’t bear it.' I try to be patient and believe He’ll answer, but He never does. Sometimes I got mad at Him, then repented and tried to figure out my mistakes. I tried fixing them, but still, no matter how much I ask and beg, He doesn’t respond. Right now, all I want is Jannah. I need it so badly. I long for it because my happiness exists there. I desire nothing from this dunya-not success, not wealth, not career, not comfort. I’ve thought it through: there’s no event I’m waiting for here. This world is a prison, and I hate it. I’m really just waiting for death because I want to finally reach my desires that are stuck in a waiting state, and because I’m too exhausted to bear the pain. About a month ago, I worked really hard. I quit porn, avoided sins, prayed all salah in the mosque on time, did sunnah, regularly read Quran, did dhikr, night prayers, made dua before Maghrib and Fajr, and kept trying to increase good deeds. I begged Allah to give me relief however He saw fit. I wasn’t asking for death specifically-just results in whatever form. It was intense; I felt unstable, fast heartbeat, constant exhaustion from quitting porn, but I told myself to hold on a little longer. I truly expected Allah to answer soon, as promised in many ayat and hadith. I genuinely struggled, felt unbearable madness inside. Going from a deep addict to quitting forever was never easy. The longest I could go was 8 days without sinning. Then I’d repent and do extra deeds, but weeks passed, the pain was unbearable, and He still didn’t respond. Three days ago, I broke down. I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried so hard, punched myself, nearly broke my finger, cried and laughed at the same time for half an hour. I had such strong faith that He would answer, but now I find it impossible to trust that Allah will do anything. I feel even more numb and exhausted than ever. I can’t move, can’t do any tasks. The next day, I noticed something new: my limbs and body would jerk on their own whenever I felt stressed. From 2023 to April 2026, I attempted suicide six times. Each time failed because I tried to make it look like a normal death so my family wouldn’t know. I’ve read many times that it’s a great unforgivable sin, and I try to avoid it. But in this state, what am I supposed to do? There’s nothing I can do to reach where I want to be except ask the One who has power, Allah, but He won’t respond. And I’ve learned He won’t just make me die sooner because I want it. I desire absolutely nothing from this dunya, I hate it, I don’t want to love it or get attached. What should I do? There’s a lot coming in my life-I can’t fail or escape it, I can’t let my parents suffer because of my failures in college, but I can’t keep going with no energy. When I study or work, my brain doesn’t process anything; my eyes read but my mind doesn’t. I have no direction. I can’t keep living just because I’m forced to, with no options. I’m only alive because I fear suicide, nothing else. I’m alive just 'waiting.' I cry every day, out of nowhere. I feel like a breathing corpse. I want death. I want to find the happiness I long for in Jannah and escape this pain and exhaustion. I don’t want to live here any longer. Please, I beg for help. I have no plan, no idea what to do. I can’t keep escaping reality to survive. All I do is stay committed to deeds, get through whatever life throws at me, and endure more and more pain. And I can no longer trust that Allah will do anything for me-and if He does, it won’t be death, just maybe making life easier, but that’s not what I want. I’m scared of living longer and facing more. My wishes are waiting and waiting, and it’s so hard to stay away from what I love. In this state, is it ever allowed to end my life? Please someone tell me. And sorry for the long text.