Navigating Feelings Towards a Mother from a Painful Past

Assalamu alaikum everyone, I could really use some guidance on handling my emotions towards my mother. Lately, it feels like she's reaching out to get closer, but after everything from my childhood, I just can’t seem to trust her fully. Growing up, everyone in our community saw her as this amazing figure-a Hafiz and Quran teacher, always helping others. To them, she’s the perfect mother, but from my experience, that image doesn’t match reality. I’m the eldest of four, and my mum raised us mostly alone because my father wasn’t really there. He had his issues and eventually left for good when I was young. When he was around us kids, he was actually kind and fun, but around my mum, he’d change completely. After he left, my mum was under so much stress, and a lot of that fell on me. As the oldest, relatives would remind me to help her out, and I ended up taking on a ton of responsibility-cooking, cleaning, even looking after my baby sister to keep things calm. But whenever my siblings acted up, I’d get blamed for not watching them properly, and the yelling would start. Over time, that built up a lot of resentment inside me. One big thing for her was the Quran. I was pretty advanced in reading it as a kid, and people would praise me, but it always felt like it was more about making her look good. Because of how I felt, I slowly stopped practicing as much and lost some of that skill. She got really angry about that, and the punishments got worse-hitting me with things like sticks or belts for small mistakes, like spilling something or not cleaning well enough. There are moments that still haunt me. Once, while she was doing my hair with a flat iron, I kept moving because I was scared of getting burned. Suddenly, she grabbed my legs and pressed the hot iron against my ankle, leaving scars I still have today. She laughs it off now, saying I was being difficult. Another time, my brother, who had some speech delays, was bothering my little sister, and she started crying. Before I could sort it out, my mum rushed in, blamed me, and things escalated badly-hitting, pushing me against a hot heater, all while I was terrified for my life. Later, my brother admitted he was the one who caused it, but all she said to him was, “Don’t do it again.” No apology ever came my way. That was the moment I lost all love and respect for her. As a teen, things got so dark that I almost left Islam entirely, feeling like Allah didn’t love me and I was being punished. I had panic attacks, couldn’t sleep for months, scared of dying in my sleep, and once fainted from exhaustion, only for her to barely acknowledge it. The physical stuff stopped a couple of years ago, but if I ever bring it up, she either denies it or makes dismissive comments. Now she wants to build a closer bond, but I’m stuck with all this anger and resentment. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with these feelings or what a healthy relationship might look like? JazakAllah khair for listening-I know this was heavy, but thanks for being here.