My Journey to Finding True Faith

Salam everyone. I’m a 25-year-old woman, born and raised in a Shia family. Since childhood, I’ve loved Allah deeply-He was like my best friend, someone I’d talk to all the time. Even when I didn’t have much knowledge, if anyone said something bad about Islam, I’d get real protective, even though I hadn’t studied it properly. I’ve always been reflective, thinking deeply about things and forming my own values. For instance, I never cared for dating or boyfriends; I always dreamed of having a husband, alhamdulillah. Before I share my struggles, please let’s avoid sectarian debates-to me, we’re all Muslims, just with different understandings. About two years ago, I hit a low point. I stayed in bed for a month, on my phone, feeling no interest in this dunya, almost depressed. Then I had a scary sleep paralysis. I woke up terrified and couldn’t go back to sleep. So I got up and prayed Fajr, after skipping it for weeks. That brought me such peace and calm, and I suddenly became curious about Islam. That’s when my real journey began. I read the Quran in English while listening to Arabic on YouTube. It felt amazing-all my questions were answered, and my thinking became clearer. After maybe a month or three, I decided to wear hijab. I had tried once before, but family pressure made me take it off-I was weak then. But this time, my faith was so strong that I promised myself I wouldn’t remove it, no matter what. Alhamdulillah, I still wear it, and even though they still pressure me, I’m firm. Gradually, I started praying on time, including Fajr, learning more about Islam, and avoiding handshakes with non-mahram men (while knowing uncles are okay, though my family didn’t know). The biggest challenge now is eating halal chicken-I really want to, but I’m not sure how to manage it. My family can be difficult, honestly. They like to provoke me when they see me trying to practice my faith. For example, when I say I want to marry a righteous Muslim man who leads, protects, provides, and follows Allah’s commands, especially avoiding interest, we argue. They’re not just doing it-they want me to take a car loan with interest! It gives me headaches. They believe that as long as you have a good heart, you’ll go to Jannah, or my dad even said Mecca is fake and demonic. I laughed and said I know where you’re getting that from-the Ahmadi Religion of Peace and Light. I feel like I don’t fit in my family at all. I get triggered, even though I know I shouldn’t, so the only way to keep patient is to distance myself, seeing them just once or twice a month. My cousin asked why I don’t visit, and I just smiled. I’m not excited anymore-I just wonder if they’ll ruin my peace again. I can’t let anyone disrespect me; I have my values and rules, and others’ opinions won’t change me. I’ve also moved more toward Sunni understanding in theology and practice, but I just consider myself a Muslim who sincerely worships Allah. Shia beliefs don’t click for me, with all due respect. I’m not an emotional person, and I only ask Allah for help. But my mum’s family sends me videos of people hitting themselves for Hussain, saying it might guide me, inshallah. I just reply “inshallah” with a smile emoji, avoiding arguments.