Exploring the Quran with an open heart: my honest journey as a non-Muslim

Assalamu alaikum, everyone. I wanted to share something personal, hoping for some kind reflections. I'm currently listening to an English audiobook of the Quran-so I guess I'm not technically reading it, but absorbing it nonetheless. I don't call myself religious. I grew up in a loosely Christian home, and my family mostly drifted from religion later. As a kid, I went through phases of doubt, which I think is normal when church feels boring. But as I got older, I felt drawn to God and my local community. Over time, though, I saw many using religion to justify hatred or feel superior, and that pushed me away. I wondered if my faith was ever real, or if I just loved the sense of belonging. Years later, I traveled widely and met people of various faiths, finding it all fascinating and beautiful. I have no issue with religion if it's practiced with respect-no hate, harm, or judgment. In Pakistan, I met my husband, a Muslim who follows his faith and culture in a gentle way. We’ve been married for five years, and his beliefs are rooted in peace: he rejects oppression, forced covering, or violence, and often tells others that true Islam doesn't permit harm. I’ve always respected his faith. Living in a place where Islam is often misunderstood, I wanted to read the Quran to better appreciate its beauty and stand up for my husband when needed-even though I’m not a believer myself. He doesn't know I'm reading it; I planned to surprise him, showing my support. But now, I might keep it to myself, because I don't want my honest reactions to create distance between us. His faith is his own, and I respect that. I’m only at chapter seven, but it’s already stirring many feelings. At first, I felt fear-so many verses speak of punishment for non-believers and the need to fear Allah. I panicked, thinking I should believe just to avoid Hell. But after calming down, I realized any faith must come from the heart, and I’m drawn to a Creator of kindness and mercy. Sometimes the message seems contradictory: one line urges harshness, another mercy. This makes me see how some might twist it for violence, though I know that’s not Islam’s true face. I also struggle with the black-and-white view of people. The Quran seems to say believers and non-believers can’t be close, yet I’ve known non-believers with pure hearts. Many of us just don’t know what’s true-we’re simply human, living without clear miracles today. My personal morals, based on kindness and equality, sometimes clash with what I read, especially regarding women’s worth or harsh treatments. I feel my own sense of right and wrong is more peaceful at times. I’m sharing this not to debate, but to express my honest emotions. Religion can be breathtaking yet confusing, giving clarity but endless questions. I wonder how others devote their lives to it so fully. Has anyone else-Muslim or not-felt something similar while reading the Quran? Or perhaps you’ve had a completely different experience? I’d love to hear, with all respect. Jazakallah khair for listening.