Lost My Father and Struggling to Find My Way Forward

As-salamu alaykum wa Ramadan Mubarak. My beloved father, may Allah (SWT) grant him mercy, returned to his Lord last month after a sudden illness. Alhamdulillah, many say he lived a long, fulfilling life. But for me, this is the first time I've lost someone so dear, and the pain is overwhelming. To be honest, our relationship was difficult for many years, throughout my youth and into adulthood. When he became ill, I remained by his side in the hospital day and night. I advocated for him and cared for him as best I could. When other family members had to return to their homes, I stayed. In the end, he passed away while I was holding him. Witnessing his soul depart was the most physically and emotionally painful experience of my life. It's a memory that is etched into my heart. In his final days, even when he could barely speak, my father would raise his hands and make sincere dua for me. SubhanAllah. I constantly pray that Allah forgives my shortcomings as a daughter. At the janazah, people said I was fortunate-a "chosen one"-to have had the chance to mend our relationship and serve him in his illness. I am endlessly grateful for that mercy. I often wonder how much harder it would be if he had passed before we reconciled. Yet, I am also haunted. Haunted by the sight of his struggle, by the moment the light faded from his eyes. As he took his final breaths, I was tearfully reciting the Shahadah for him, praying he heard. Now, I'm lost. Some days, I feel I truly connected with him in those last moments. Other days, I feel a deep sense of loss and confusion. But always, I feel blessed that Allah allowed me to be there for him. Some days I accept the reality of death. Other days, I just break down, replaying those final scenes for hours. If any of my brothers or sisters have walked a similar path, your advice or shared experience would be a great comfort. Please remember my father in your Ramadan prayers. I've dreamt of him since his passing-sometimes it feels like my own thoughts, sometimes like something more. I pray constantly that he is at peace, free from suffering, and granted the highest ranks of Jannah. I just miss him and love him so much.