I feel so ashamed that I can’t be alone without falling into sin

I don’t get why I struggle so much with being alone. It’s been a problem for me since around 2023. I come from a big family, but I still feel lonely. As the eldest sister of five, I carry a lot of responsibilities and everyone expects so much from me. I think it all began when I stumbled upon online chat sites with strangers, and after that, things just got worse. It wasn’t a daily thing-more like every few months-but as I grew older, it got more frequent. I met bad influences who pushed me into stuff I never thought I’d do, and my younger self would be shocked. Alhamdulillah, I’d never do these things face-to-face; I’m a totally different person in real life. I don’t even casually talk to the opposite gender, let alone flirt, because that’s a hard limit for me. But online, it feels almost easier, and that bothers me. My family life hasn’t been great, and I’ve faced many challenges growing up, so maybe that plays a role, but I don’t want to make excuses for my actions. I feel so disgusted with myself and what I’ve done online. For instance, I’ll start chatting with someone innocently, thinking they’re a decent person, but then their desires take over, and I get caught up too because I’m scared of losing them and being alone again. It ruins everything, and I cut it off for Allah’s sake, but then the emptiness returns, and I fall back into the same cycle trying to fill that void. It hurts that I can’t stand being by myself. I’m worried that what I’m doing now will taint my idea of love when I finally get married. I’ve always been a romantic since I was little, but now it feels like a burden. I just really want to get married soon. I know that halal loneliness is better than haram company, and I try to pray and make dua, but even after I feel close to Allah and cry out my regret, sometimes that very evening Shaytan whispers and I end up doing it again. It gives me terrible headaches and I feel like I’m going crazy every time I slip up. People say to surround yourself with good friends, and I wish I could, but I don’t really have anyone. My sisters are too young, my brothers are busy with their own lives, my parents can’t really help, and I’m not as close to my friends since graduation. My cousin, who was like a sister to me, moved to another continent, and I’m not good at long-distance-we talk sometimes, but it’s not enough. I’m just venting here; I don’t know what to do. I’m not looking for simple advice like pray more or read more Qur’an, because I’ve tried that-maybe not as much as I should, but I just don’t have the strength. I thought I’d outgrow this problem, but I can’t. I’ve done such shameful things online that I hate remembering, and it’s tearing me up inside. Of course, I haven’t told anyone because that’s not right either, but I needed to get this off my chest. I’ve made so many duas, especially in Ramadan and on Arafah, and inshaAllah they’ll be answered, but so far, I feel stuck. I don’t know.