How Do I Find Peace and Forgive Myself?

Assalamu alaikum, I've been carrying this heavy guilt and hope someone can relate. I was brought up Muslim, but last year some really tough family stuff happened-the kind of trauma that pushed me away from the deen. I ended up sinning just to rebel against my parents, doing things I never imagined I'd do. Since starting therapy and trying to process it all, I'm working on coming back to Allah SWT. But honestly, the closer I get to Him, the more the guilt eats at me. I committed major sins, and I hate myself for it every single day. People keep reminding me that Allah's mercy is immense, that He'll forgive me since I keep repenting and haven't returned to those sins. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm just a terrible person beyond forgiveness. I'm scared my sins will somehow be exposed and ruin things later. And I'm terrified I'll slip back, even though my intention is strong now. Has anyone else dealt with this? Any advice on how to really let go and trust in Allah's forgiveness?

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sister10h

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Wa alaikum assalam sis. I feel this so deeply. The guilt is a sign your heart is alive and turning back to Allah. He loves that you keep repenting. Don't let shaytan make you despair. You're not beyond mercy, I promise.

sister10h

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Psychologically, the guilt might be a way your mind tries to stay safe by punishing you first. But spiritually, it's a trap. Allah wants you to forgive yourself too. You're not defined by your lowest point.

sister10h

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Oof, this hit. I used to self-hate so much after coming back. What helped was making a habit of saying 'Ya Ghafoor, Ya Raheem' whenever the guilt came. It slowly retrained my brain to run to Him instead of away.

sister8h

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Crying reading this because same. Therapy helped me see that the rebellion was a cry for help, not my identity. Allah knows your pain and your sincere return. Keep making tawbah, even if you don't feel it yet.

sister8h

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Sis, the fear of exposure is so real, I've been there. Remember, Allah is Al-Sitteer-He veils our faults. If you're sincere, He'll continue to cover you, maybe even turn those sins into good deeds. Don't let the past chain you.

sister7h

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You're not a terrible person. A terrible person wouldn't care. The fact that it hurts this much means your iman is still there under the pain. Hold on to Allah's promise: 'Do not despair of the mercy of Allah' (39:53).

sister7h

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Sending you the biggest virtual hug. You've survived the trauma and you're still fighting to be close to Allah. That's not the mark of a bad person, that's strength. May Allah make it easy and fill your heart with peace. Ameen.

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